CALL TO ARMS - EMERGENCY MEETING OF 'SCARF'

From the Liverpool Echo's site:
http://www.liverpoolecho.co.uk/incoming/gallery/everton-goodison-park-7051684

Right folks, enough is enough. As if Liverpool losing 5-0 to Man City and Everton getting stuffed 4-0 by United over a month ago wasn't enough, just this weekend we've had The Reds being done in by Spurs, 4-1 (at their supposedly 'cursed' Wembley ground), and Everton slumping to a 5-2 defeat at the feet of Arsenal, preceding their manager's exit. This is too troubling to let slide!

I propose an emergency meeting of 'SCARF' - the Scouse Association for Remedying Football - which will have powers to call upon the government to inject millions of pounds into our footy funds, ready for the January transfer window. In addition to this, we will have the initiative to try and bring sanctions against all other clubs, especially the Mancunian ones, for deliberately lacking a sense of humour and 'winning too much'.

Football is a rich and varied sport, full of fantastic athletes, scenes of high drama and, ultimately, families of fans just wanting to enjoy themselves. SCARF will try to fix the current, woeful situation of madness on Merseyside, and bring back some of that 'score goaling' I've heard so much about in other clubs' games.

SCARF president, Maggie McCartney, has commented, "Scousers have often had a different outlook on life, from the rich diversity of cultures that the docks and universities brought into the city, to the way political ideologies - especially those of Mrs Thatcher - have bred a sense of outsiderness in England. Our outlook in football is no different. For many years, Liverpool - especially - have been, if anything, overly concerned with winning. This year, we are seeing a fresh and beautiful expression of playing well and getting no results. It seems, however, that other clubs are stubbornly rolling along with outdated ideas of 'trying to put the ball in the back of the net', ultimately for three points. My organisation will seek to level the playing field any way it can, and, with a little luck, get Scousers back on top."

Theresa May has yet to expand on her earlier comment, "What is a Liverpool?"

Big News

Listen. I'm really sorry to tell you this, but I've got to come clean. I thought maybe I could sweep it under the rug and carry on as normal, but I can't. It's eating me up inside. I've got to tell tell you that I had a beer this evening. Don't worry, though, dear readers, it was only a ginger beer! HA HA HA! Don't say I didn't get you with that little hook, because I know I did!

Anyway, now we've had our little moment of hilarity, I'll get on with the normal stuff...

When I decided on a regular blogging schedule for my month off the booze, I thought I was mainly going to talk about the overall campaign, with a smattering of posts moaning about having clear heads, better sleep, more money left over and having less fun. So far, though (and yeah, I know it's only the third day...), I've focussed more on the experience of doing it. Since things are probably going to be the same in that respect until, I reckon, a couple of weeks in (where my thirst tends to get to me, based on previous times I've done this kind of thing), I want to move on from that. I hear there's only so much rubbish blog readers will put up with...

The actual big news today is that, thanks to donors' amazing generosity, my original target of £250 has been all but fulfilled already. Since I don't want anybody's feet being taken off any 'gases', I've doubled the aim. As I said in a recent update, to get near to £500 would probably make me speechless, so that's a good reason to give up some of your hard-earneds isn't it?

Anyway, that's it from me. I've just enjoyed a lovely reading at The Other Room, and, as soon as I can, I must go to bed before I fall over.
Want to donate? You can do so here: https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/Martin-Palmer5

Monologous: Sports Students

Now, I'm not saying I don't like sports. I love a lot of them, football, badminton and swimming being my favourite. I play them. I watch them. I love them. How is it, then, that students involved in sports degrees are so god-damn annoying? There are so many of them around Edge Hill it's untrue. The uni is supposed to be pretty successful in teaching sports subjects and it bloody shows 'cause they flock here in their thousands.

I've got nothing against each one personally, really. I even know and like a couple of them. However, just because you like chocolate, it doesn't mean to say you'd like all of your things smeared with the stuff does it? Your TV would probably stop working. Your toothbrush wouldn't actually clean your teeth anymore. Your shoes would be all sloppy and sticky. The toilet would be really... brown and... sticky? Hmm, forget the last one then. The fact is, though, we're practically being smeared with sports students here.

Try and get a game of pool in the SU Bar and you can't. They're all there in striped trackie bottoms, hoodies with random cities and numbers stuck on (Osaka 84 being a personal favourite), stupid condom-shaped beanie hats and tufty douchebag beards (well, maybe I'm in no position to talk about the beard...). Try to go to the shop and you've got to weave in and out of them like an 80s pop icon on his way to get his 'Club Tropicana' holiday snaps developed after a toke or two on fine weed. I can understand this bit: if they see you trying to get somewhere and mover out the way for you, they'd be compromising their blessed masculinity. Aw, we wouldn't want to do that, would we? 'I'm big, I'm hard, you are beneath me! Rawr! Walk around me weakling!' It's obviously quite unreasonable of me to expect such a favour...

It even affects trying to write creatively. No, I don't mean that now all my fiction centres around marauding serial killers targeting sports students in a way eerily similar to those ones on TV. What I mean is that they're taking up precious 'state of the art' rooms with computers, projectors and board markers, while we writers get stuck with a broom cupboard on the roof somewhere... There's no-one using the running track right now, why not bugger off there? It appears Edge Hill isn't as highly rated in creative writing as sports degrees, for some reason, but it's obvious by past and current talent that we shouldn't be treated like dirt. We are a credit to the establishment, I'll have you know!

Ooh my wrist aches after this rant, I wonder if there are any physios about...

Gloriae

OOOOOOOOOOOOOH TODAY IS SIMPLY GLORIOUS! The halls have got the chairs outside and music playing again and all is comparatively well. The scene brings to mind the song 'California Soul' coz it's very summery, lazily party-ish and most of all akin to the few retro hits being played outside.

It ain't all been lazing around today though, oh no! Had me fiction class this morning which focused on flash fiction (reet short stories in other words). One attempt of the single sentence bad boys I produced was "It turned out there was no inheritance after all." It kinda works because it allows the reader to fill in back story. You may think, 'maybe it was a crime story about someone killing for inheritance and there weren't none in the first place' or something similar. You like? I also produced a longer piece which I liked so much that, after some re-drafting, I'm gonna submit it to a short story competition. I could win a loada moolah, I could get published or I could be binned, but I like what I wrote so either one is good!

After said lesson, me and some mates went to the school sports bit to have a kick around. The 'multicourt' was priced at £16, so you can imagine us poor students said 'no thanks!!!' We went outside to the track and three of us thought 'yeah, why not have a race?' P. left early due to an ankle upset and I just managed to pip D. to the post, but he was wearing jeans and didn't pace himself anyways... A hollow victory but a victory nonetheless, and my testosterone is through the roof at such a male act lol.

Then I went food shopping. Here is my shopping list:

No, only joking I'm not that bad! Still ain't got no beer in me room, so I'm gonna make another trip in tomorrow and bring back a few thousand gallons or something... Watching Liverpool v Wigan tonight in the SU bar. We is playing away (like John Terry... Ok that joke be old now... Even still, check out http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1OtzURRG108&feature=related) and I reckon 2-1 to us like last time. More news on that to follow in a predictable fashion...

Finally, check out 'Thoughts of a Broken Clock' at http://thethoughtsofabrokenclock.blogspot.com/ This is a lovely lad who's on my course at uni, and you only have to read a little bit to agree he's an excellent writer. His writing has a lot of power and emotion in it, he uses imagery nicely and he's a darn good bloke to boot! Read it NOW.

Bye