Saturday, 30 April 2011

Monday, 25 April 2011

Royal Sexing

As ye may expect, dear readers, I am not getting all excited about the upcoming royal marriage between Kate Middleton and Prince William. I'm certainly not a royalist, but I won't digress too much. The thing is, we can't get away from hearing about it. I don't have my own TV, but whenever I'm watching it round someone else's house there are these snappy 'the royal wedding's coming' adverts. It's being billed as one of the most important news events of our time (or something like) according to the BBC's smushy, over-the-top teaser. Try telling that to Japan or New Zealand you bloody pretentious oafs!

Then the stupid assertions follow like 'everyone's heard of the royal wedding' or 'everyone's getting excited for the royal wedding'. I'm sure not everyone's heard of it, especially not people who live outside of Britain and, well, have lives. How is everyone getting excited too? People who don't know it's going on aside, why would you be excited about a wedding between two people you've never met, will never meet and will never come in contact with the rest of your family? I know loads of shops are getting excited about it. 'Ooh, lets put a union flag in the window, put up some bunting and give our customers a special offer because of the royal wedding' they all seem to be thinking. If Morrisons reduced the price of its crowns or sceptres or something I might understand, but why the frig are there royal wedding phone deals? There are loads more examples, but the Alcatel 209 phone is now available in a special commemorative edition for the event. Commemorative? It's bloody monstrous! Urrrgh :-(

It wouldn't surprise me if most of you, like yours truly, have been ambushed by a little magazine hiding in your newspaper all about the happy couple and their big day. Mine came in the Daily Mirror and it's so bad it's almost funny. Part of it outlines William and Kate's lives before and after going out with each other. It's just an excuse for a load of pretty pictures and poor puns, such as 'frying high'... Blergh I don't want to dwell on it any more... Another part of this mini-magazine was dedicated to outlining the big day: when people would arrive, when the ceremony would take place and even when they would share their kiss for the cameras. Kiss for the cameras? This even made me think: their whole happy day is not their own, the media, its circus and all the doe-eyed clowns watching it own their happy day, meaning that they have to obey a timetable so it can all be televized and scrutinized. I'm surprized they haven't detailed when the royal sexing will take place so we can tune in on late night telly...

Wednesday, 13 April 2011


Haha yes, my friends, POWER! 'The man' has recently been trying to screw me for nigh on £400 for water (H2 flipping O), of all things. What did I do? Roll over and pay? Not on your life. Ask to be billed for a greater amount? Hell no! Eat the bill with a sauce that is a cross between Marie Rose and Hollandaise sauce and a side order of curly fries? Well... No. Sounds quite nice though...

Yeah so I've saved a helluva lot of money from these fatcats.

Liverpool had a fantastic last match. It was a Dirk sandwich as Andy Carroll made an excellent contribution with two goals, the first and the third, and the dutchman netting the second of the night with trademark reliability. Carroll got man of the match, but I certainly think Dirk Kuyt was on the shortlist, always putting in at least 110% every game. Still, well done Carroll and also John Flanagan who made his Premier League debut on the night.

The rest of today's gonna be good, doing a lot of reading and writing so all's well. Things are so awesome I've had to listen to Verdi's 'Anvil Chorus' to calm me down!


P.S. Hi Jess! xxx

Jeremy Dyson

Does he not have a knighthood yet? Why not? Stop spending so much time on the royal wedding and credit this guy! I went to one of his readings recientemente and I am just in so much awe. I'd heard of his involvement with The League of Gentlemen but I ain't such a big fan of that, having never watched any more than sketches on '50 Best BritComs' or some such facile count downwards programme. No, when his name popped up on the Edge Hill University website, other bells were ringing in my head. Where do I know that name from? I've still not really found out but, knowing that The League is a stupendously dark comedy, I figured that I could learn a lot from the guy. Learn I did!

He read 'Come April' from his collection of short stories The Cranes That Build the Cranes. The story is ostensibly about an estranged mother who works in a massage parlour and gives the best blowjobs to her clients there. These blowjobs are so good, she is visited by monks who want to achieve spiritual enlightenment through said act. This was a revelation: so much comedy in a piece so thought-provoking and deep. It reminded me of a 5 minute film script I wrote last year called 'An Institution' where a man in a failing marriage pays to see his own wife at one of these massage parlours. He politely listened to me telling him that as he signed my book, good to see some humility from one so talented!

His Q&A session was also a great help. He divulged the benefits of writing regular - an hour a day at least - not giving up on a story you're struggling to conclude/move forward with and not restricting yourself according to what you think other people think is acceptable.

I'm adding someone new to the living legends list.