Royal Sexing

As ye may expect, dear readers, I am not getting all excited about the upcoming royal marriage between Kate Middleton and Prince William. I'm certainly not a royalist, but I won't digress too much. The thing is, we can't get away from hearing about it. I don't have my own TV, but whenever I'm watching it round someone else's house there are these snappy 'the royal wedding's coming' adverts. It's being billed as one of the most important news events of our time (or something like) according to the BBC's smushy, over-the-top teaser. Try telling that to Japan or New Zealand you bloody pretentious oafs!

Then the stupid assertions follow like 'everyone's heard of the royal wedding' or 'everyone's getting excited for the royal wedding'. I'm sure not everyone's heard of it, especially not people who live outside of Britain and, well, have lives. How is everyone getting excited too? People who don't know it's going on aside, why would you be excited about a wedding between two people you've never met, will never meet and will never come in contact with the rest of your family? I know loads of shops are getting excited about it. 'Ooh, lets put a union flag in the window, put up some bunting and give our customers a special offer because of the royal wedding' they all seem to be thinking. If Morrisons reduced the price of its crowns or sceptres or something I might understand, but why the frig are there royal wedding phone deals? There are loads more examples, but the Alcatel 209 phone is now available in a special commemorative edition for the event. Commemorative? It's bloody monstrous! Urrrgh :-(

It wouldn't surprise me if most of you, like yours truly, have been ambushed by a little magazine hiding in your newspaper all about the happy couple and their big day. Mine came in the Daily Mirror and it's so bad it's almost funny. Part of it outlines William and Kate's lives before and after going out with each other. It's just an excuse for a load of pretty pictures and poor puns, such as 'frying high'... Blergh I don't want to dwell on it any more... Another part of this mini-magazine was dedicated to outlining the big day: when people would arrive, when the ceremony would take place and even when they would share their kiss for the cameras. Kiss for the cameras? This even made me think: their whole happy day is not their own, the media, its circus and all the doe-eyed clowns watching it own their happy day, meaning that they have to obey a timetable so it can all be televized and scrutinized. I'm surprized they haven't detailed when the royal sexing will take place so we can tune in on late night telly...