Friday, 31 December 2010

Last Post of the Year!!!


But it's not that special is it? I was quite surprised yesterday to find that a very good friend of mine, who is a very bright, energetic and overtly light-hearted chap, is actually sick of certain 'celebrations' in life as I am too. Was a bit like seeing Santa shave off his jolly white beard, but there you go. He said he couldn't be bothered with going out and celebrating New Year's [bloody] Eve because it's just another year, nothing special about that is there? I agree. Without getting too deep into it, just because we follow some kooky system of counting days (I believe humans call it a calendar) we are expected to funnel loads of natural joy and wonderment into certain 'days'. One of them is New Year. Hooray for another 365.25 days of probable doom, death and destruction! And bad telly, now I think of it...

Birthdays are another one. Why should people celebrate birthdays? What did you do on your birthday? Bugger all, you were born, you didn't actually do anything that should be rewarded. If anything, your parent/s should be the ones getting acclaim, but that pre-supposes that you're happy with your life. Life's supposed to be a gift from God, hence why I sometimes want to ask if he kept the receipt, but that's another matter...

Valentine's Day. Bollocks... That's something else that's gonna be coming up quickly involving loss of money and failed attempts at sharing 'emotions' and shit... Surely if you love someone, you should tell them as often as you can, not just once a year when it's somehow 'more special'. And this is coming from someone who is actually in a relationship so nyear to all those writing me off as a loner! Dunno how long it'll stay that way, mind you, I am rather infuriatingly cynical...

The conclusion here can only go one of two ways; either we should celebrate nothing, or we should free our mind from meaningless constraints such as calendars and enjoy life free from a schedule. Don't live life like you're looking in a TV guide; 'Oh it says here that there's gonna be some happiness next month, on the 19th at 8 o' clock.' I suppose you could say 'be spontaneous' or 'live in the moment' if you want to...

Monday, 27 December 2010

Friday, 24 December 2010

The Name's Chisum, John Chisum

Ah, Christmas day on the ranch. Is there anythin' sweeter? My little niece came down from Roswell County with her husband Billy an' me an' him spent the mornin' lookin' out across my ranch while the women folk made the rattle and clatter in the kitchen. Nowhere more beautiful on God's green earth. The company's fine, the cigars are tastin' swell and there ain't a care in the world for now. The herd's meanderin', drinkin' from the purest river for miles around. Even the dusty winds that sometimes roll in from the north can't spoil their drinkin' or our watchin'. I remember White Buffalo told me that the comanches call it the lonely wind, but I sure don't feel lonely today.

Christmas dinner's the same every year, no nasty shocks or surprises there. The best food's put on our table, we give our heartfelt thanks to God and chow down. Everyone's happy just being together talkin' about the time I did this, the time they did that and that guy from Whatever County they once knew once done. No-one really understands my stories, all being cattle drivers' tales as they are. Surrounded by the new generation, it sure makes a man feel old and outta place. But then, everything around here's old enough. Even discountin' yours truly, the ranch here, the town, the sun and the sand around us, all older'n' Methuselah himself, an' there's some things you can't change.

I can hear the 'noon stage come a-rollin' in to Lincoln County from way off, chuggin' its way into the station. Brett Harmond - the manager of the local general store - is there a-waitin' on the platform, so it seems there may be a new delivery of somethin'. Must be fancy, he's been waitin' on it from 'noon til four... Don't know what it could be...

Wednesday, 22 December 2010

Have Fun at the Circus

Christmas. Just the three days away now. Christmas spirits at an all time high everyone? Good... GOOD! I can't believe in my last post *war memorial reference* I complained about no-one reading my blog and three wonderful persons commented straightaway! Thanks folks, you make life worth living. You'll change your mind in a sec, though, 'cause I'm gonna tell somethin' that AIN'T makin' life worth livin': Christmas.

I've felt for such a long time that I'm an old man trapped in a young man's, wait, trapped in my body and Christmas just makes me feel worse. I'm not even gunna bother going in to what's wrong with it 'cause it's all just cliches. Christmas is a cliche machine, a bit like a sausage mincer. Cliches and pre-made, recycled 'festive' tripe is continually poured into the mincer and our oesophagus is the sausage skin. It goes down our throats whether we like it or not and you can't get away from it without doing a Jeremiah Johnson. I'm not gunna bother elaborating because, if the same ol' tripe goes in, the same ol' crap comes out. I'll be an ugly, smelling, boring walking cliche if I went into the 'ins and outs'.

Stuck between a rock and a bloody cliched place when you're a sad, grumpy and bitter guy like I...

Merry Christmas.

Wednesday, 15 December 2010



I've been having my usual doubts about this blog, how interesting it is, whether it's entertaining, whether it enhances peoples lives and, lastly, whether anyone actually reads the bloody thing (which I can pretty much say 'no' to). But anyways, during a talk by Suzanne Bell of the Liverpool Everyman theatre at uni, she happened to repeat the idea that you must only write about things that mean something to you, i.e. things you are passionate about. So now I'm thinking, 'hell yeah, I'm gonna write for me. I ain't gonna get myself bent out of shape at the cost of writing about the serious stuff in my head and heart.'

Toilet seats are getting on my nerves more and more these days. Now I ain't saying I have a huge penis (I genuinely don't, according to certain people, it's average), but it keeps touching/'rubbing against' the front of the toilet seat when I go for number twos. My poor spam javelin has to bathe in untold amounts of other people's germs, urine, maybe faeces and possibly worse, and I can't avoid it by sitting any further back, lest my shit just end up on the back of the seat.

Here's an idea: ban those 'whole ring' toilet seats and replace them with those 'u' shaped ones, with that little bit missing at the front. Who the hell is gonna miss that little bit of plastic there anyway? Think about it, you're saving approximately 5-10% of a toilet seat each time, thus being ecologically and economically friendly! Genius! Get it sorted world.

Sunday, 12 December 2010

Bad Times

Liverpool lost again yesterday. To Newcastle... 3-1. Bad times... I'm not gonna elaborate on that, that's all there is to say, it's in the past and we'll play much better next time...

Had an early Christmas with the housemates yesterday though, which was awesome. Plenty of food, drink and good company. Some of the simplest ingredients of a happy life.

One ingredient for an unhappy life is assignments. Trying to get through a 15-minute stage play currently and I'm about 2/3 of the way through... I'm not finding it easy...

Still, when you walk through a storm, you must hold your head up high and not be afraid of the dark. At the end of the storm is a golden sky and the sweet silver song of a lark (so it's well worth getting through the storm, believe me). Walk on through the wind, walk on through the rain even if your dreams are being tossed and blown.

Yeah anyways, enough of nicking song lyrics... This assignment ain't gonna do itself!

Saturday, 11 December 2010

Blank (Completely?)

An interesting metaphor (not really)/thought for those of you reading this, sat down on a nice chair not worried about anything. Well, everything around you's fine pretty much?

Maybe I'd say the same.

But the very chair I'm sitting on right now, that very same object that is holding me (my personality and being in a body) has a 'gammy' leg. Yeah it's been like that for a while because apparently students are still being f***ed in the ass by those in any kind of power.

But yeah, all that's fine around me is predicated on the very threat of myself falling over... You'll have to fill in the blanks here...

Nothing's safe [the times they are a changing]

See ya x

Monday, 15 November 2010

Where to Begin Once More?

And where did I really end in the first place, if at all?

I guess the biggest news is that I'm now seeing someone. That's the phrase I use even it does sound dated. Hey, retro and archaic runs through my veins. Anyway, she's awesome and I'm overly-lucky. This is where the cynics start to drool and gnash their teeth, blunted by a life of feasting on lambs. Well, all I can say is that I can be cynical too, but not in this instance...

Liverpool. Where to start again there? Flippin' heck... Worst start to the season in something like 57 years, then a 4 game winning streak including 2-0 against Chelsea (yes, the current leaders of the Premier League). Great! What could be better? Steven Gerrard scoring a hat-trick you say? No, he did that against Napoli, silly! So the last couple of games were Wigan Athletic and Stoke. I don't believe you should ever think a game is gonna be easy - then your effort will be all skewed while they could be going into the game dreaming about how a giant-slaying would taste really nice right about now - but after beating Chelsea they should've been a doddle. We drew 1-1 with Wigan and managed a 2-0 defeat at Stoke, with Lucas being sent off in the 'dying' minutes of the second half. Bloody wonderful... Come on lads, West Ham next. You CAN do it, so bloody well do it!

Next, badminton. Ups and downs lately really. The main problem I'm having is beating myself up about a couple of dropped points which genuinely fucks me up for the rest of the session (excuse my language there please - touchy subject). Let us hope I grow a brain sometime soon and not let it get to me. I don't care if I don't win all the time, after all I'm a sportsman and love a challenge, but I HATE it when I know I can be doing a lot better.

Then, finally, onto Martin Scorcese's 'The Departed.' Oh my sweet Lord what a fine film! It's one of those I keep hearing people say, "Oh I recorded it but I haven't got round to watching it," or, "It was on the other night but I missed it." WATCH THE DAMN FILM PEOPLE! Well, if you like crime films... Bloody marvelous!

Peace out, sorry about the long blog. Long blogs need to be shortened...

Sunday, 3 October 2010

I Feel So Good

I've just come back from my first badminton session at uni since before the summer holidays and it went really well. We paired up and had a mini-tournament with the other members of the club. I teamed up with the lads' captain and I don't think we lost a game. Serving was pretty consistently good, plenty of accurate shots to the back corners, better movement around the court, a couple of decent smashes and my wrist doesn't hurt!

On the other hand, I also feel pretty down. Liverpool managed to lose to Blackpool today and we're in the bottom three of the Premier League at the time of writing. It is a frustrating result, but I'm not angry at the players, club or manager. I feel bad for them because they are trying to win games that they're passionate about, and to lose must feel awful especially when you know you've got a much greater potential. Next match is against Everton. The Merseyside Derby is one game you certainly don't wanna lose. Come on lads, not just for me. For yourself, for your manager, for your club, for the fans.

Friday, 24 September 2010

Geordies are Awesome

So I'm moved in to the new house now and all is pretty well. There's only a couple of things lacking, i.e. internet and bill payments. Everyone is pretty cool in and around the abode: seems like the whole street is inhabited by nice people. Even my student loan is being sorted at last. Turns out someone thought it was groovy to put important and official-looking documents that weren't theirs into a cupboard under the stairs without telling me... Could be sitting on a grand or two now and living it up a bit more, but I'm content with what I got. I'm reet lucky and reet happy, so I ain't complaining or nothing.

Couldn't be happier with the local we have on Wigan Road. Pool, darts, quiz, cheap drinks, ok toilets, toasties and more, all at The Roper's Arms. It's definitely my kinda pub!

Saturday, 11 September 2010


Mmm... Was reading back through some of me older posts and saw a picture of me beard. It's been about 3 months since I shaved off my scratty student beard - mostly motivated by work's asking - and that was the end of it, as far as I was concerned. The ladies don't like it, for one thing. I get loads more attention without it, even more hugs 'n' kissin'. Now it's gone, though, people want it back.

I say 'people,' I mean two or three of my friends... but still. When it was there, no-one cared so much and now folk are missing it. Looking back at th'aforementioned picture, though, I think I might be missing it too... This is a definite beard quandry...

Something else that occurred to me whilst I looked upon my old blogs; I aint done my 'Song That I Can't Get Out of My Head' or 'Interesting Word' segment for ages. The song what's rattlin' around the confines of my thick skull is 'Mother' by none other than John Lennon. Wow, such raw emotion... Chills me to the bone. Today's word, to put you out of your misery, is 'substantial' because as a word, it actually is substantial. It's quite big and has a nice meatiness to it when you say it. Sub-stan-shul. Lovely!

Thursday, 9 September 2010

Balls Out (ish...)

Here's some writing I've done - a poem - I'm finally sharing some with you. It rhymes, which isn't the most creative device, and it's not great, so to make it all better I'm gonna call it a kid's poem... That'll make its shortfalls ok, right? Here it is, a KID'S poem:

The Spider

Above my head
The spider crept,
And ate his prey
As I slept.

I woke up
To watch him there,
When he suddenly
Fell in my hair!

Shoo spider! Shoo spider!
I don't want you here,
Crawling and a stalking round
I'm shivering with fear!

Calmly as I could, I tried
To remove the little beast
Then he zipped back up, to his web,
And finished off his feast.

There you go... Hooray...

Tuesday, 7 September 2010

Ooh I'm All Wet

Yeah, anyway, enough about my private life...

So I've been trying to reach deep and meaningful conclusions on the front of art, with obvious particular reference to writing. Every writer, at some point, comes across this thing called 'the internal censor' which, as I understand it, is that berkish thing in your head saying. "Nah, mate, that's no good that. It sounds shit and boring, that."

The internal censor, though, has two 'weak points.' Other people say they like your stuff. Maybe they're lying, but they got no reason to so you make your own mind up there. The other weakness is the fact that you've read worse stuff (in your opinion) that's been published fine. So why do we listen to Mr/Mrs. Censor? No idea, love, no idea.

You can be reading Sylvia Plath one minute and then one in a series of the Star Wars novels (lol, don't judge me too harshly! The one I read was by Timothy Zahn, Heir to the Empire to be precise). One's like rubbing your eyeballs with the finest silk and producing the aurora borealis in your imagination. The other one is far from out of date faeces in your eyes producing rotting matter in your brain and you still enjoy it, so as long as you enjoy em both, one aint really better than the other, right?

It's upshot time, and I aint sure what to put... 'Just write' would be a good start, your effort has its own merits whatever the hell it is. Maybe I'll have the actual balls to put some more writing up next time, who knows!?! Now it's probs time to towel off...

Wednesday, 1 September 2010


Guess who's coming to my house tonight?

Jess "Rice Pisspy" West

And Matty! With others...
Consider yourself well and truly mentioned.

Deep South

Just give us a few minutes, 'k? Like, a few days' worth...
Life is constantly changing so you don't need me at all.
Rely on yourself, but if you need help
I'll be there soon

Thursday, 26 August 2010

To the Back Teeth

So yeah, I'm something of a writer, right? Part of my problem with creativity has been organization: I have a really good idea (well, one I like), but don't have a pen and paper to hand and thus forget it. Some time later I'll remember that I forgot and try to remember what I forgot. Then my head'll start hurting and I'll give up.

To combat this problem, I got a couple of notebooks and a loada pens. I put a book in my room near my bed (I oft get ideas when I'm about to drop off, then the challenge is to stay awake and be bothered to write it down), one in the pocket of my trousers and even one in my coat. Anal? No, really useful actually, even though I'm sure it somehow lessens my imagination having them around...

Thing is, now I think I've gone too far! I keep stepping on pads and pens, which is never the best thing to do unless you want to pass it off as a new writing style.

Still, I'm moving into the new student digs soon. Will I face the old enemy of No Pen and Paper? Will I piss off my housemates by cluttering up every room with stationery? Only time will tell...

P.S. Well done to Liverpool tonight. They beat Trabzonspor 2-1 in their own stronghold and are going through to the next Europa League stage.

Wednesday, 25 August 2010

Watch This Space...

... 'Coz I wrote, like, this blog on, like, this thing. It's like so totally called paper or something? Well, like, my blogs on this paper stuff. I know? Isn't that the craziest thing? So yah, I mean I, like, so totally have a blog for you, but it's gonna have to be a while before I type it up.

Wednesday, 11 August 2010

Oh Madonn'!

So anyways: here I am in this little outta-tha-way bistro somewhere, when outta nowhere comes Jimmy 'Big Balls' Molanga. Now lemme tell you 'bout Molanga; he didn't get his name playin' for tha Giants. Anyways, he comes over 'hi, howya doin'?' an' I'm like 'whaddaya hear, whaddaya say?' We goes way back, knew each other since our muddas knew each other, bouncin' us on their knees on the steps of our Brooklyn homes.

I'm gettin' off topic. Jimmy comes into this bistro and we start chattin'. Just like old times: a bit a grappa, some pasta fazool and everything's peachy. He starts talkin' 'bout this movie, 'Mother's Boys' or some shit. 'Never seen it,' I tells tha guy, but he keeps on about how goddamn weird the whole thing is. Just so happens, it got aired on TV not so long back, I caught a bit on cable.

Oh madonn', that's some dark shit right there, lemme tell ya.

So this pucchiacca is tryin'a steal her bambinos away from her divorced husband, right. Now I don't gotta tell ya what my dad'da' done if my ma had'a done any'a that shit. CRACK right across tha face I can tell ya. Anyways, that's like the setting for tha whole film as far as I saw, but it's full'a' so much motherfuckin' Freudian crap and degenerate sick shit that it's almost as disturbin' as cuttin' off ya brother's pishadil - but that's'anotha story. This woman's cuttin' up her face, then she's smashin' a loada mirrors, then she's forcin' her son to look at her cesarean scar while she's all naked and soaped up, now this lid'l kid is pushin' around a full grown woman an' brandishin' a meat tenderizer at his younger brotha. Jeez!

I love my mudda, and now this? You wanna get freaked out? Try takin' a businessman's loan from me and not payin' me back. You wanna get all'a that Disney propaganda about families an' divorce rammed outta your mind? Watch 'Mother's Boys.' Fuggedaboudit!

Thursday, 29 July 2010


Oooh I got a lot of it right now. Knees, back, fingers, fingertips, feet, wrists and all the rest. Ooooow...

Lets hope 'Family Guy' on Beeb 3 provides the best medicine. Laughter, that is, not crack cocaine.

Tuesday, 27 July 2010

A Classic Example of Forcing Writing

As I was putting my empty Carlsberg cans into the recycling bin (AFTER washing them. God, I'm not Hitler you know...), I realised to a certain extent how much I'm missing university. I was whinging on again to myself about not having much time off, and even when I do get it it's interrupted by a shift that ends in the morning, meaning I have to waste over half my day off catching up on sleep. Rant over, I found myself glamourizing deadlines, yes, DEADLINES. I actually thought "At least you know where you are with a deadline, and all your time off is your own to do what you want with," much like you'd think, "Ooh whatever happened to being stung relentlessly by swarms of bees" after marauding honey-makers got replaced by strong acid in your water supply.

Again, I know how lucky I am to have a job... Yeah yeah yeah... But I am being dissolved painfully from the inside at the minute, at least according to my earlier analogy, and I yearn to be attacked by fat little flying insects once more. Leah, whose blog I pointed out last time (why haven't you checked it out yet? Why? WHY, OH GOD WHY?!?) has acted as a bit of a deadline to me recently, though that sounds pretty unflattering... She's been prompting me to write as regular as I used to, and I think I'm getting back into the swing of things. If you don't like me blogging, talk to her about it!

So, to clarify things: as much as I'm enjoying life at the mo, university will provide a welcome holiday from my holidays. Have a good night folks!

Do I Want Fries With That?

Yes I do, actually. I'm pretty hungry... Didn't get a break at work today and haven't had a lot to eat in total. At this time of the night/morning (depending on your inaccuracy), cooking isn't appropriate but snacks just never fill ya DO THEY? DO THEY HUH? Oh sorry I went psychotic again. Erm...

If you're feeling hungry for some lovely blogging, why not check out 'Would You Like Fries With That?' ( Sure, I've known the author for a while and you may think I'd be biased, but her blog is, "certainly unadulterated Leah... which is its chief charm," says 'Martzia' magazine.

I feel lacklustre so I'm gonna go... If you fancy any fish porn, check out some of these sites: (this last one involves saucy sea-life scenarios! Butch Cleaner: "I've just come to clean your tank m'am." Fish: "Bubble bubble blurble")

Sunday, 18 July 2010

Charlie Brooker

What an absolute legend! I watched loads of his programme 'Screenwipe' (BBC3) online and I really liked it. It is, in essential essence, a programme about TV. It looks at Charlie's views on current shows, how they make certain shows and then lets us have a look at one they made earlier. In season 4 episode 5, por ejemplo, Charlie discusses 'elimination shows' such as BBC1's 'The Apprentice' before making his own - called 'The Unloser.' Hilarity itself encapsulated neatly into a video. But yeah, I had a point rather than just an irrelevant opinion; I started liking King Charlie, then looked at his books on one of my rip-roaringly regular (I don't know what that means... It's just aliterative) shopping sessions. These books are what I wanna chat about:

I bought his 'Dawn of the Dumb: Dispatches from the Idiotic Frontline' recently and, as a collection of the big Charl-dawg's Guardian collumns, it didn't disappoint as a thought-provoking and oft amusing wedge of time spent. Sometimes, however, I find myself being directly insulted by monsieur Brooker. Many of his articles I agree with completely, things I thought I was the only one with an opinion on, due to them being too deep for most folk to want talk about, but there is a flipside. He's called me a "goon" and suchlike a few times, once for the reason of laughing at farts. Yep, that's actually the point of this blog, to talk about farting.

My cousin once said, and I think it's actually quite true, that if you can't laugh at someone letting one rip - especially in certain situations where it seems a bit taboo or inappropriate - then you don't have a sense of humour. Whether that is true or not, who knows, but please, Mr. Charlie Brooker sir, don't hate me for being different to you! I want to be your friend!

Wednesday, 14 July 2010

For a Few Words More

Been working right hard in Morecambe, so I have. Had many, many hours recently and it's been a weird experience, mainly with respect to the passage of time. I don't know what day it is, what I did yesterday or if I have any plans tomorrow. It's a bit like being put in a centrifuge; not only is it generally disorienting, but your life gets separated from you leaving behind a big sticky splodge behind. This splodge likes to ruin social events...

Anyway, enough about my sticky splodges. The doctor says his tablets will clear that up anyway. Liverpool has a new manager, Roy Hodgson - formerly of Fulham FC. I was sad to see Rafa go, but I have a good feeling about Roy. He's done well at Fulham, especially in the European department, and I think he could be the man for the job. This is all just based on gut reaction, but then again so was my last bout of sticky splodges, and they're fun in a weird kind of way. Oh I said that was enough about them didn't I?

Not much else to say currently. I love to moan, but life is disappointingly great at the minute, so what's a guy like me to do? I have a job, I'm clothed and fed very well, I'm getting to see my friends and talk to others, things couldn't be that much better. It's like the police being faced with a world of really nice gardeners; there is nothing for them to do. Well, unless the gardeners started planting daisies on private property without permission... Naughty...

"Daisy Dillinger is public enemy number one" says police chief Mahogany of Scotland Yard. "Despite every other crime in life being non-existent, we are still experiencing a growth in numbers of rogue gardeners illegally planting daisies across the country. Most people don't realise the full extent of the damage that daisies can do til they get hit. We are doing our level best to combat the problem, but we urge the public to be vigilant and start keeping hungry slugs."

I want to watch 'For a Few Dollars More.'

Tuesday, 18 May 2010

It Must be Quite a Test of Mental Fortitude

I'm now looking at a freeview channel, called something like 'Babeland,' and I thought I'd give it a mention. It's pretty hit and miss when it comes to arousal, but it basically involves one or maybe two women trying to entice you into calling a premium rate number to talk to them. Unlike regular porn, so I hear from... erm... my uncle (?), there's no actual sex involved. Thus, I feel, for a lass or two to gyrate in front of a camera for however long it is (must be hours) without the necessary reciprocated sensory pleasure for sex to be good requires a lot of recognition. It's like trying to drive a car without wheels; you've got the vehicle, but you ain't goin' nowhere!

God bless 'em, an' I 'ope that they's gettin' what vey want outta loif.

La La Laaah

The world's okay.
Well, that's a very solipsistic point of view...
How's the world with you?

My only current nag is that after a shift in my current job, due to being constantly moving on my feet, I am moving around the house like Verbal Kint ( And I'm not sure if I'm treating my friends well enough... It's hard to get outside of my head most of the time...

I'd like to really recommend Matt at and Sassy at The former has got the balls to put excellent creative and personal material up (I know they are the same thing in essence, but lets not get too pedantic) and the latter is always extremely witty with often 'out of the box' humour. To be honest, I only put people in my reading list who are great/relevant, so why not read some blogs from the list, see how you do?

Saturday, 15 May 2010


Wasn't great... To be honest, we at the MEN Arena had to listen to one half of the show dedicated to the usual childhood recollections and chat about TV programmes. I had to force a visible smile really, a bit like when your in a room full of people who find off-colour jokes funny, but you've had a relative that suffered from 'that' recently, and you smile and look to the floor so as not to look out of place. Anyhoo, second half was much better, some lols there. The friends who I went with summed it up nicely though; there were no "hearty" laughs. So you pay a pretty penny for a night that's certainly not bad, but was it worth it? His encore was great, a real performance piece. I'd love to elaborate, but if this show is anything like 'Live at Blackpool Tower' then it'll be on Channel 5 soon, repeated enough times for those with learning difficulties to be able to repeat the whole thing word for word. Don't even get me started on why Rick Astley supported him (and I ain't talking about Pete's sports bra here. Ooh low blow...)

Just watched The Man Who Wasn't There. Not only is this a Coen brothers' film, it also contains James Gandolfini. Bloody brilliant! Twas all in black and white, which may put some people off, but another great mix of characters, another farcical plot and a mix of ideas about justice and the comedy of life made for great viewing. Scarlett Johansson played a blinder lololol.

I'm a bit scared about going on, so I'll wish you all some inner peace and be off. I leave you with the final picture taken of my room in halls, which I'm now officially moved out of.

Wednesday, 5 May 2010


I'm trying to get kids involved in politics by spelling words cool-ly. How did I do? Sorry, an old, out-of-touch-with-the-modern-world politician moment there.

Just saw a funny soundbite on BBC news. I'll adhere to the company's rule of giving the three major parties equal coverage here. The headlines were focusing on the 'dying throes' of the election campaigns:

David Cameron was in a hall with a load of supporters and probably said something like, 'We must have change.'

Nick Clegg was outside with some supporters saying something like, 'Don't vote for what politicians tell you to vote for. Vote for what's best for you and your family. Aim high.'

Then Gordon Brown in a conference room (full of balloons by the way) saying something along the lines of 'We are the only serious party. Come back to Labour.'

Only serious party? What was with all the balloons then? It looks like you hi-jacked a three-year-old's birthday party! I'd still vote labour, I guess the balloons worked their magic...


I hope you've all heard the news: Dolly's back! Check out 'Dolly Peg and the Untruths' in the blogs I follow section.

Been another while since I was bloggin' and quite a bit has gone on. I'll get the footy out the way first for ya; Liverpool are now out the Europa league. We won our second game 2-1 but in extra time they scored. That made it 2-2 on aggregate but, due to the 'away goals rule' (coz they scored at Anfield), they kicked us out of the competition with a very heavy military-style boot. Still nursing bruises... We also lost our last Premier League game against Chelsea. We were doing bloody good in the first half, but a Stevie G back pass let Drogba score his first ever at our ground. After this, they were very confident and the red men's heads went down, letting another one in later on... Bummer.For us fans it has been a bit like dragging a massive rock up a hill this season. We've all had to come together and try and work through the trials. Now, however, the rock we've been dragging has rolled over onto us and yeah it's pretty crushing :-(

Other than that, I've had my induction at Morecambe Wetherspoon's. Twas a little scary, granted, but there were a couple of other new recruits who were sound lads. I know there are some people on my side now, even if they have had jobs before and are thus much more experienced. Got my first shift tomorrow actually and I've been bouncing between two frames of mind: 'OMG OMG OMG SH*********T WTF AM I GONNA DO???' and 'It'll be fine. You've got some stuff to learn but there are people there to help you.' Well all I can do is my best!

Come up with some nice writing ideas. I nearly lost one of them coz I had an idea before bed and couldn't be bothered to get to a notepad to write it down. Next morning I had forgotten, silly me! Anyways I remembered in the end. Let this be a lesson to ya; have a notepad in your pocket and by your bedside just in case! Oh yeah and a working pen would be nice too...

Peace out...

Wednesday, 28 April 2010

Ask Not

Whether you would go out with your country - ask whether your country would go out with you.

Give clowns, and ginger-haired people, a chance, alright?

Cp. 'Core 'Ngrato' by Dominic Chianese!

Did You Know?

My blog layout (the colourful circle arrangementy type thingy-ma-bob) is a lot like my bed covers at home?

And, while writing that, I've noticed it's similar to my bed covers at uni too? OMG that's blogtastic right?

Pictured are the bedclothes, home first then uni. Es muy fascinante!

Tea is so Sexy

It makes my mind erect
Body Stiffens and I
Feel pretty Alive

See some tits
Or some such stimulus
Heart is beating
Beating blood
Goes down there
Penis is erect

Drinking tea
Oh my lord!
My self is erect.
I can do
Anything now,
With tea in me.

Monday, 26 April 2010

Broken Bleedin' Record

Well hey there, how are you guys and gals?

It's that Carnage event again tonight, you know, the one where everyone gets legless! I know fun right? Maybe not. Tis only 2145hrs and people are shouting, slurring and incessantly repeating crap.

"Who's havin' a weee?" is in at number 3.

At number 2, up from last week, it's "Mark? Mark? MARK?"

And at number 1, THE most repeated phrase tonight... Yes it's that well known song that we all love "Mum, I'm in trouble again."

Being performed right now outside a window near you is "Don't Stop Believing." Don't matter if it's the Journey or the Glee version COZ WE'VE HEARD IT WAY TOO MUCH IN THE PAST FEW MONTHS!

The song in my head at the mo is the Looney Tunes theme tune... Maybe some mental hospital sirens in the background...

Yeah I Was Just Thinking

I was told today by a friend that men don't like to talk about their feelings. Part of me is thinking now 'DUH!!!' Of course I should know that. It's practically a scientific fact.


All through my life I've had a certain amount of sensitivity. I've always craved a mate (not necessarily a guy, I guess) with the emotional intelligence to listen and speak with respect to feelings and problems etc. It's been a problem in my life: not finding that. I thought uni might make things easier. Seems that should've been another 'DUH!!!'

Don't matter your age, don't matter your intelligence; some people are still as backward as the caveman...

Sunday, 25 April 2010

Good Question Actually

Had me badminton today. Went in feeling pretty bad but had a great time and some good shots. Int bar afterwards I may have relieved a little pressure concerning subject A (look at 'A Rather Large Aversion').

Liverpool beat Burnley 4-0. Doesn't give me any pleasure that they're relegated now, but it's fantastic for us. Stevie G netted the first two (the bloody hero that he is), Maxi Rodriguez got his first and Babel put insult to injury in injury time (see what I tried to do there?). 4th place here we come (maybe...)!

Been checking out the BBC iPlayer, an episode of 'Have I Got News for You' and a couple of Russel Howard's 'Good News.' Nice to have a good laugh, I think we can all forget about what that feels like sometimes.

The song in moi 'ead is 'Tempted by the Fruit of Another' by Squeeze and I leave you with the news that I just drank a hair that was in my coffee, or should that be ate a hair that got in my mouth while I sipped that sweet nectar? First one's snappier but incorrect... Well I put a picture up anyways, but you can't see the hair coz it's in my mouth now. Won't take a pic of my tongue... You may be eating or something...

I Wonder

What did the last dodo feel like before it died?

Friday, 23 April 2010


Well Liverpool lost 1-0 to Atletico Madrid today, had some good spells but they got the shoddy goal that decided the game. We ain't out yet, though, so watch this space.

Yeah, I actually got offered my first 'proper' job yesterday (i.e. official and paid) and I'm pretty damn excited. It's going to be good to be proud, occupied and recompensed. Great stuff.

Marks are pretty good atm, friends seem good (big shout out to Jess by the way, she's lovely and doesn't deserve any bad fortune), getting work done blah blah.

Hope you're fantastic.

Monday, 19 April 2010


I was supposed to go to a sports awards dinner tonight. I'd paid £16 for the ticket, the transport was included, there was a buffet (and let us not forget I'm a hungry hungry student!) and entry into a nightclub afterwards. I didn't go. Decided at the last minute I couldn't be bothered. It's at least not like me to waste money, but hey. There are a few reasons but what's the point in telling you them? The brute fact is that I didn't go.

I got photos of the badminton team back today. We had team photos taken a while back, you know the ones where you stand in regimented rows with the best height symmetry available and hands nestled firmly in the lap. Bloody hilarious. I was beaming like an idiot on the 'serious one.' We also had a panoramic pic where players did a badminton movement (I chose a smash) and got digitally captured in mid swing or whatever. Some of the facial expressions there... Madonn'! I got so giddy that I started singing 'I See You Baby' (A Fat Boy Slim song) out the window at a mate of mine. He was so speechless that my giddiness increased exponentially.

Liverpool won tonight. 3-0 at Anfield against West Ham United. Benayoun, Ngog (yep, even bloody Ngog) and then an own goal by their goal keeper (forced by Kyrgiakos) made the scoreline so sublime, three thumbs up!

And I leave you with the news that it is terribly easy to get served alcohol on Spanish beaches. You can't go anywhere without seeing Sand Miguel

Oh and today's song, what be rattlin' around me 'eadspace, be Frederic Chopin's Piano Sonata Op.35 No.2

Sunday, 18 April 2010

A Rather Large Aversion

It has been a while again. Been hard to muster up directed focus what with the glut of social activities presenting themselves most readily throughout the week. Loada pool being played, lotsa drink being imbibed and lotsa shit to chat. The news from the bar is that Amaretto tastes fantastic (a lot like marzipan).

Also in the week, badminton is back in session. Wasn't at me best for the first meeting, but it was encouraging to note that I still have some hand-eye coordination left. The second meeting... The play was fine, but some off-court words I had with someone has left me in doubt as to whether I should continue going there. I'm not going to go into detail, of course, but even if I raised the issue with the person in question or anyone else in the club, I would be the one that was ostracised, because person A (A for Asshole) has been there longer than I have. It was a real stab in the back though, but hey this isn't the time or the place.

On a lighter note, a stint in my halls' common room produced a two-hour workshop on booze related jokes. We started off with the premise of beer puns that had to be cringeworthy and, yeah, we did that for way too long! Here's a taster to finish:

What do you get if you throw a box of cutlery into a tornado?

Tuesday, 13 April 2010

To Dolly Peg!!!

This post is a heartfelt apology and thankyou to Dolly Peg. I've moaned relentlessly to this fantastic lady twice: on a wayward friend and also on my flu.

It seems very facile, maybe the kind of thing one could shrug off as a 'that's what friends are for' endeavour, but I can assure you this isn't quite the case. Normally I keep personal thoughts personal, but Dolly is so selfless and such a good listener that I found myself to be very un-restrained in my discourse.

I know only too well what it means for friends to try and treat you as an equal but then use you as emotional blotting paper (it has happened most of my life, it's just who I am and I wouldn't change trying to help people for the world). I respect Dolly so much so it is a shame that I treat her with such discourtesy, hence why I say thanks to her for listening, but also sorry for taking advantage.

Truly she's a goddess amongst women, and long may she reign!

Sunday, 11 April 2010

And Then

All seems pretty well! At this very moment the sniffles are gone and I can actually breathe through my nose without choking on mucus. Scoooooooooore! Though I don't hold out much hope for tomorrow...

Just watched The Big Lebowski for the second time and it's still hilarious and just generally great. You can look at the Coen brothers' films on so many levels, but this one - apart from being a great and humorous story - shows us the ultimate farcity of human existence. It gives me great joy to watch such a film. It is DELICIOUS. The characters have such chemistry, within each other and with the audience. The plot is clever, but completely secondary to the silly events and witty dialogue. It's such an amazing film, I could give it 10/10 if it weren't for a very British sense of cynicism... It seems sad that watching a film could give me such joy, but remember; life is a farce as well!

No real song in me 'ead at the minute coz I'm listening to iTunes, but why not check out Santana's 'Oye Como Va.' Yeah the title's in Spanish, but don't be put off!


Saturday, 10 April 2010

Short Reprieve

I was feeling a lot better.
Now I have a bad head again and more of a runny nose (I'm churning out gallon after gallon of gunge). The throat is almost ok, so I should be very thankful.

I was gonna put loooads of exclamation marks there, but that would've been childish.
Hope you're free of immense pain!

Yours faithfully,
Martin P
(Moaning Bugger)

Tuesday, 6 April 2010


My head is trying to break free of itself
My nose is dripping quicker than the Indian monsoon
My body aches worse than a marathon runner's calves
I have the fucking flu...

How are you?
And maybe do something for charity... I'm too cowardly...

Sunday, 4 April 2010

Good News

Jesus was risen!

And I'm thinking about writing a lil story about crabs. Yes, those crabs. Then I'll convert it into a film script. Just for the lolz.

Hope you had a lovely Easter Sunday!

Saturday, 3 April 2010


There weren't no Toast on Thursday night. Me mates and I made our way to an altogether more enjoyable place called Hustle. Twas a little disappointed that I got deserted at around 0245hrs int morning. It peeved me off to the end that I jumped into a taxi what had just pulled up beside me and I escaped.

Went to me sister's new place in Bolton yesterday. Tis a lovely place, but involves a lot of low beams. My few precious brain cells have been reduced further by a couple of bonks on the noggin. Saw Shutter Island which is another great film by Martin Scorcese. WHAT A TALENT! Hearing he had a new film out made me buzz like a bee looking at a bathful of honey. I had high expectations and they weren't shattered like a greenhouse would be if you dropped an elephant on it. No I don't think that is relevant is it? Bees and elephants... No wonder I'm still a virgin, it's supposed to be the birds and the bees isn't it? By my understanding; if a bird gets stung by a bee, your girlfriend becomes pregnant. If you use a condom, however, His Holiness The Pope pushes your girlfriend down stairs. Yes I am pretty normal.

Today, Manchester United FELL MISERABLY to Chelsea: 2-1. I dunno if that's good news or not. They are both so far up the table that their results aren't gonna make a difference to Liverpool's standing. I don't like Chelsea due to certain players giving it a bad reputation (Didier Drogba especially for his fouling, diving and foul mouthed rants, but, more recently and comically, John Terry), but no-one really likes United lol. There's a 'theatrical dislike,' as I term it, for United amongst a lot of people and I don't really concur with it.

Liverpool are playing Birmingham tomorrow, let us hope the skies are clear and sunny, but it rains goals.

Thursday, 1 April 2010

Just Got Some Beer

And some cider, but the cider is for James, whose birthday twas on the 30th! God bless he.

Gonna be going out with him and some mates this fine night, though unfortunately we'll probs be heading to Toast, Lancaster's far-from-Premier nightclub... Its floors are stickier than the great tree-trunk tentacles of the Kraken. Its entry prices are steeper than the great galleon-grinding wave caused by the fiercest typhoon. Its clientele smell worse than the most fearsome and ancient Moby Dick (and that's after I cut it up for its blubber. Believe me that's an awful smell...). Its drinks taste fouler than the saltiest sea brine, even when the blood of yer shipmates has rolled across yer deck and mixed with that deep blue ocean. Its toilets... well... there's no comparison other than Davy Jones' Locker itself...

Slight bit of hyperbole there... Sure it's the crew that makes the fun, not the galleys ye frequent. Hopefully.

Tuesday, 30 March 2010

I Feel Pretty Warm

Hmm, a title that is just descriptive of how I'm feeling... Dunno if that works.

Anyways, it's been a while since the last blog. Been pretty busy and the internet not working didn't help so much. Hard to believe a whole week and a third of the holiday has gone already. Time is often like a handful of sand to me, the grains slipping quickly through my fingers. Of course, they obey the regular 9.81 m/s acceleration due to gravity, but it seems like they flee from me more quicklee.

Yeah... Been splashing some birthday cash on a bit of badminton gear (shorts and trainers) and other bits of clothing. Saw the Liverpool v Sunderland game (a fantastic 3-0 stuffing, involving lots of one-touch football, skillful control and sturdy defence. Torres' opener was a real magical and kinda phantom goal, truly one of a kind and absolutely breathtaking!) which provided some top class banter with the barman. A couple of badminton seshes with family and friends, both with plastic shuttlecocks much to my chagrin (what a word lol... 'Chagrin...'), which weren't stunning but there ye go. Last night I was out in Lancaster with many of me old buddies, put a fair few jars away and walked back home along the cycle path (my legs are stiffer than all hell I can tell ya: 2 days playing badminton, dancing around like an idiot in clubs and then a 4+ mile walk in the wee small hours...). So I've been having a great time really! Today was spent getting over the night before. I watched Measure for Measure (the BBC version) which wasn't exactly thrilling. A competent performance really... No ringing endorsement available.

Disappointed that the physicists messing around with the large hadron collider today didn't end the world, that would have solved a lot of problems... Speaking of which, a big shout out to Lily Asquith. You go girlfriend!

To round up: the song that's been stuck in me head today is 'My Girl' by The Temptations. Some lovely Motown class there. I'll leave you with the news that Steiber and Company are releasing a new range of vibrating fireplaces next week and they should be hitting shops here in the UK very soon.

Tuesday, 23 March 2010

Blood Alcohol Levels on the Rise!

It has emerged only moments ago that Blogtastic's author Martin (19) has started an evening beverage. Bystanders confirmed that the aleged drinker of beer had a pleasant day spending a litle birthday cash on badminton gear, clothes and alcohol.

After a lovely tea involving chicken curry laced with mayonnaise, it is reported that the much loved blogger sank into a couch and started to watch 'TV.' Suddenly his behaviour deteriorated and he cracked open a bottle of Belgian-brewed Duvel, allegedly described by the reprobate as, "Pretty flavoursome, refreshing and well worth paying a little extra especially with the whole higher alcohol content and stuff."

His family is said to be distraught. His mother (21...) said of the day, "This just highlights the terrors of modern life. Some times my son can be so down and miserable, but today he simply had a good time and decided to have a refreshing beverage to finish off a lovely time. I don't know how we're going to cope."

Council officials warn that this good mood could last for some time.

Monday, 22 March 2010


Quite a lot to catch up on here...
Had work to do on Wednesday so couldn't celebrate my first St. Patrick's day where I can legally drink. Had loadsa trouble sleeping that night in preparation for my 24 hour take-away test paper.
Thursday was the 'big day.' Got my 5 minute film script finished and submitted. It wasn't too bad, we'll see what mark it gets. Downloaded the test paper around 1100 hours and did a whole bunch of researching and typing. Started struggling at 0630 Friday morning so got some sleep. Up aroung 0900, finished the essay, submitted it and went to a lovely Shakespeare-orientated seminar and lecture. Played pool with Dolly Peg after the lecture and she thrashed me! Got beaten at the table later on by badminton mates coz I went to the bar with them after an extra badminton session earlier. Thinking about giving up pool...
Saturday: parents and an aunt came down for me birthday. We went into Liverpool, had drinks at 'The Philharmonic' (a reet classy, old pub with a toilet that's listed by the National Trust!), bit of shopping (Liverpool FC store, where I got a scarf, and Primark coz I never go clothes shopping and my clothes are all old, small and crappy), lunch in 'Spoons, tea at a Chinese restaurant (had the best Chinese food ever), a few more drinks here and there and then slept over in a hotel.
Sunday: went to The Beatles' story, which were pretty nice, then watched the Liverpool v United game (a sorry 2-1 loss, but not for lack of trying. More for the abundance of poor decisions, especially with respect to giving United a penalty after what looked like Valencia diving after Mascherano's antics) and then went back to uni to pick up some stuff before going home.

That's where I am this Monday. FIFA 10 on PS2 is pretty poor and I'm looking forward to seeing old mates. That's it.
Until next time...

Thursday, 18 March 2010


I'm sure you will all be pleased to know that there is now so much hair blocking the plughole in the bathroom at EMB Halls that a free foot bath is available upon trying to shower, due to drainage issues.

Thank you for your time,

Martin P.
(Frequent Showerer)


Erm yeah so I finished my 5 minute script assignment a while ago. I've done redrafts and all the rest, I'm just looking over it for technical problems and then I reckon I'll be as happy as I can be with it. If us creative writers redrafted as much as we wanted to, we'd never let our work go for publishing. So tomorrow (or later today to be accurate i.e. after I've slept) I gotta do my self-assessment and annotated bibliography so all is pretty much well.

I need a shower then too

After I've slept, I'll have my 24 hour take-away test paper from my literature module to contend with. We've been given 24 hours (from around 1100 hours tomorrow til the same time next day) to write 2,000 words, plus or minus 10%. Hmmm. Probably not best to try and get worked up about it before sleep but, judging by the St. Patrick's Day celebrators making racket nearby, it'll be a while before I drop off... This paper is on renaissance poetry. I know what you're thinking; we all know so much about this topic that anyone could do this assignment in no time, but I still worry...

I think I actually had something interesting to write about today. I wrote it down too. Can't find it now though :-(

I'll just leave you with this thought: how amazing would every sport be if an egg and spoon was somehow incorporated. Footballer's goals would only stand if their egg was on their spoon when the ball crossed the line and penaltys would be given if an egg fell off inside the box. Tennis players would serve boiled eggs to each other. Cricketers would try to avoid 'eggs before wicket.' Rugby players would just crush a load of eggs... Contact sports would obviously be the messiest...

Pictured is a worn-out me wearing green in honour of St. Patrick who, I confess, I know nothing about... Oh and thanks today (yeah yesterday if we wanna be pedantic) to Jess - who is hopefully coming to Edge Hill next year - for semi-successfully getting Eminem's 'Guess Who's Back' stuck in me head.

Tuesday, 16 March 2010

Buona Notte

Hullo there. Just got out the shower. The shower was good. Bit hot though. Bit of a problem coz it means you sweat a little bit after you've got out, meaning that you are instantly losing your freshness the moment the water stops dribbling all over ya.

Saw part of Transformers 2 today with special commentary. I can't remember if I've already blogged about this, but you can download an amusing commentary from somewhere on the internet which you play over the film. The guys make sarcastic comments and stuff in real time so it can be pretty funny. Oh and Megan Fox is hot Francy, no doubt in my mind. Yes there are hotter people, but she has enough 'alluring qualities.' Hmm, think I have written about this...

Badminton was okay. A couple of new girls came tonight that haven't played before, so the challenge pour moi was to limit my play in order to give them a chance. Played against my game partner in singles and we didn't have enough time for a decider (we'd both won one game). He trashed me at pool in the bar though, both games skillfully executed in contrast to my extremely annoying performance where I kept being as close to potting balls as I possibly could without actually sinking the buggers... Dolly Peg's career in this field has been suffering a bit of late too, check out her blog from my 'Blogs I follow' section somewhere on this virtual slab of fun.

Sooo; last night Liverpool comfortably dominated Portsmouth 4-1. A fantastic sight to see us play normally and well. First and last Liverpool goals netted by Torres, second by Babel and the third one was Alberto Aquilani scoring his first for Liverpool, so well done to him. Belhadj scored the final goal of the game for Portsmouth, a nice little consolation goal that didn't spoil the mood for me. Our skipper had a bit of a to-do with Michael Brown. The Pompey player ran into Gerrard's forearm in a clumsy fashion and hurt himself a bit. Gerrard's arm was only in the way due to a sudden gust of wind. Only joking; it was a nasty and ill-calculated incident, but thankfully he wasn't punished because the FA says you can't punish a player retrospectively when the referee has already meted out 'punishment' (a free kick in this instance). Brown didn't exactly look hurt anyway, so though it was a stupid thing to do, there was no damage done really.

I'll round off with a negative. Despite the chance that this may be read by the friend I'm about to complain about, I don't care. He knows that he's been really disrespectful to me so he's brought it on himself. Not gonna name names, but I've got a mate who likes some weird banter. I very rarely give anyone any stick, even in jest, because it's not a clever thing to do. This guy, however, keeps coming out with odd insinuations and nasty comments. After he has any drink at all, like last night, he gets much worse. He just wouldn't shut up despite the fact that I obviously wasn't amused. Don't wanna go into what he said, but there was another friend in the room at the time, and now everything's awkward because his idiotic behaviour has shifted the mood of our group.

Maybe I won't finish on a low. The hols are coming up soon, so is my birthday, so is my fedora hat and, as soon as tomorrow comes, it'll be Saint Patrick's Day! Hoorah!

Monday, 15 March 2010

Klarples (or Happy Mothering Sunday)

Ooh one has let oneself slip a little in the blogging department hasn't one? Reasons: too much making merry and... no that's it... See the thing with a lotta drink is not the act itself but, as most of us know only too well, the recovery time. I was so rough this morning... I was pretty 'unstable' at badminton lol. I played really well again (even if I do say so myself!). Played one of the high ranking guys who is really skilled and managed to score 19 out of 21 points against him. He had to use a racket he wasn't used to, and I'm pretty sure he was giving me easy serves, but I'm still proud of that. In the other games that I lost, I was having such incredible fun that I still feel like a winner (cringe cheese). I have a theory about performing well after a night out: alcohol dehydrates the body. Thus, if you have a bad hangover, the body recognises its disadvantage and aids your energy/concentration somehow. I guess it's kinda like a survival instinct... I know what I mean anyway...

Played extremely poorly at pool in the bar after badminton I must confess! Must have been due to the non-alcoholic beverages I consumed. I had my tea from the diner: chicken burger with chesse, lettuce and mayo, plus a portion of chips. I then felt hungry later on and had another portion of chips. That is fat. I'm in serious danger of becoming a blimp! My excuse, apart from the fact I was training hard, was that the drinking the night before carried on til 0500-0600hrs, so I had a debt of energy due to being awake so long, and that debt needed food to cancel it.

Tomorrow I'm gonna send my extra large fedora back and await a large one in return, go to my creative writing seminar, do some shopping (yep, cupboards are empty again!), get my beard trimmed (above is a picture showing how shaggy it's getting) and watch Liverpool play Portsmouth. I've had so much stick for supporting Liverpool today it was untrue: so many comments about how bad this season has been... Well all I've got now is a flickering of hope. We can do it, come on red men!

Thursday, 11 March 2010

Strike One

No my title has nothing to do with drinking Stella Artois, don't worry! I remembered that I forgot to mention something in me last blog. Elvis had a similar problem, he forgot to remember to forget her, and now he just can't get her out of his mind... No, seriously, twas C's birthday on the night of me last blog, twas her 21st. She's the 'Student Advisor/Advocate' in my halls, and she's lovely so many happy returns to her. Now there's plenty more to talk about!

I'll get the football stuff outta tha way foist, coz not a lotta people enjoy it as much as I do lol! We were playing Lille away and effing lost 1-0... We were better than when we played Wigan, pass completion was better and we had a few good chances and one pretty damn positive piece of pressure. To no avail. No goal for us, and theirs was, as most of them have been, from a bloomin' set piece... Free kick into the box, Reina apparently couldn't quite see what was going on and bang, bottom corner :-( Was with one Liverpool supporting friend of mine and one Arsenal supporting friend of mine, guess who was most vocal... He also joined a pretty long line of people who, upon the mention of me playing badminton, tell me that they used to play, haven't in ages and wanna come down to training. So far, one out of 7 or 8 people have actually shown up!

Had a good mate of mine come round last night. We started talking about coursework while having beers before going out and it turned out that I had been working on the wrong piece of coursework that was in for the next day. Yup, a whole essay I hadn't even started in for the next day (which was populated with a seminar too) and I'd already had a few tins. Solution? Go out, get pretty drunk, get up the next day at 1000hrs and try not to vomit over your laptop as you crack the whip. An' I'll tell you, I did much more than the bare minimum and produced a work I'd have been pretty proud of under sober circumstances. Submitted that, got to the lecture on time (which answered some questions I was unsure of) and felt better!

Got my fedora hat too. Problem is: tis too big... Still, they say they're all about customer satisfaction, so I'll be able to exchange it for a smaller one that will still be as sexy. Looking forward to it possibly more than before now! Not a shred of disappointment at the apparent inconvenience coz life is good! I've been wondering if my particularly good moods of late have more to do with my regular exercise or the fact that I'm back on The Sopranos. It would be ironic if the latter cheered me up to be honest, it's not exactly a comedy! That's not to say it doesn't have humour in (mostly very dark admittedly...). If you get the chance to see it, DO!!! Don't have the completely unfounded stereotype in your head that it's all about mob violence. It's actually more of a family drama. It's so well written that it's untrue! It's obviously very considered. Its creator had studied psychology originally, so the protagonist's psychiatrist is true to life. She acts as a 'Greek chorus' type figure (look that one up yourselves), which shows how cerebral the show actually is in between a few brutal hits.
Like my favourite one where Vito Spatafore gets his... Oh no I probably can't say that on here (the Feds probably have this blog wired for sound...).

A shout out to some old lags; hi to Greg, Arran, Mark, Will, Jim, James, Tom and Tim (I'd go on but I can't be arsed), their respective partners and their family. Ciao!

[Pictured: My suspicious package or, as some crazy people might call it, a 'hat in a box']

Wednesday, 10 March 2010

Buon Giorno

Hey folks. Just slightly avoiding work, so I figured I'd update y'all :-p Had some pretty sweet badminton last night, first games were with an Everton fan who can be a nice bloke and is a good player. We both had a lot of silly mitakes though, so we lost both games lol, but they were good fun. Last four games, I was with my regular partner. Lets say that the competition 'wasn't as stiff,' and we won all four comfortably. To add the usual pinch of downside to any goodness, I degenerated a little into unsportsmanly behaviour. I was sick of everyone making comments about me, behaving boorishly upon my partner and I missing a point and not trusting decisions about whether a shot was in or out, when both my partner and I had better views and were both in agreement. Still, I've had that in past clubs. Some people don't really care about fairness when they want to win! Also, I'm getting slight knee problems again and some calf pain, so lets hope I don't have to go to Romania for horse placenta treatment (just google that, I'm not being vulgar or just making something up!).

After this lovely exercise, I swiftly made my way to the take-away to regain all the fat I'd lost lol. Chips and mayo with a goood deal of salt, yummy. Was sposeda be meeting a mate in the bar who didn't show, but what I can't believe is that I had mineral water while I waited! I even turned down the offer of someone else buying it for me! According to witness at the scene, this wasn't a dream. My body feels a bit like a temple again haha.

Today's song stuck in my head is the theme tune to 'Indiana Jones.' If you don't know it, you should either get someone to shoot you, or just listen to it... Either one... I think I have an explanation for this seemingly random piece, and it wasn't coz I've been watching the films recently (still not seen Kingdom of the Crystal Skull actually, Indy's latest outing). I've been aggressively pursuing the attainment of a hat. Not just any old hat. Not a beanie, not a cap but a fedora. Not a plastic gangster dress-up costume fedora, but a proper one. Whilst looking for such an item, one stumbled across these fedoras made to be like Indiana Jones' and they had this little badge on the side of them saying 'Indiana Jones.' I wouldn't want one because I think that badge makes it look tacky, but also they were more expensive than some of the others, but the fact is that the 'Indiana Jones seed' must have been planted in my fragile mind at that minute, and that's why I'm humming the tune now.

So long amici! Hope you have some pleasant adventures soon, preferably that don't end in you being flattened by a huge boulder.

Monday, 8 March 2010


That's really abismal... I know I've been following Liverpool for a fairly short time, but I've realised that this season is below their proper performance. This season, the one I've been able to follow most closely, has been sub-par, but I don't support Liverpool on the assumption they're gonna win. I support them coz I'm proud of 'em and I enjoy watching 'em. Tonight however, they could hardly get their passes right. They had the usual problems making chances up front, and fluffing certain opportunities presented nearer the goal line, but their normal passing was so poor that pressure couldn't be applied. Very sad to see... 1-0 to Wigan...

I look at football as a game, I don't look at it as just Liverpool FC. I know that judging a team on past performance is a fallacy because - just like ordinary life - sports people's careers have their ups and downs. It's disappointing when fans of other teams have a go because we weren't as good as we once were, but even Manchester United aren't perfect. They've fallen to Burnley (a side who've only been promoted to the Premier League this season) and Everton (who we've even managed to beat both times). My point is that you've got to have a sense of perspective. Liverpool are having problems, but they can't win prestigious trophies at the drop of a hat! Let fans enjoy their football and whatever happens to Liverpool, I'll be proud to support them. They could get relegated out of existence and I'll never support another team. Basically, let us not get bogged down in what used to be, or maybe even what will be. Let us enjoy what is, here and now. I take what I can from every match, like I do from every day life. Don't judge people on past happenings (like not all Germans have been Nazis, for example), but be perceptive to the immediate happenings.

That may have been a very deep message wrapped in a football, so, in case I'm getting out of my depth, I'll digress! My team may have lost, but I celebrated in life with some mates, and even made a couple of new ones. I almost forgot about the bad result until walking back! I always have deep conversations with this lad, loosely centring around the ego, and he was on form tonight. With that, I leave you with the mixture of Napolitan Italian dialect, but also the Spanish 'salud' meaning good health (as in a toast to...) x

(Pictured is my toast to you guys out there, "Salud!")


OOOOOOOOOOOOOH TODAY IS SIMPLY GLORIOUS! The halls have got the chairs outside and music playing again and all is comparatively well. The scene brings to mind the song 'California Soul' coz it's very summery, lazily party-ish and most of all akin to the few retro hits being played outside.

It ain't all been lazing around today though, oh no! Had me fiction class this morning which focused on flash fiction (reet short stories in other words). One attempt of the single sentence bad boys I produced was "It turned out there was no inheritance after all." It kinda works because it allows the reader to fill in back story. You may think, 'maybe it was a crime story about someone killing for inheritance and there weren't none in the first place' or something similar. You like? I also produced a longer piece which I liked so much that, after some re-drafting, I'm gonna submit it to a short story competition. I could win a loada moolah, I could get published or I could be binned, but I like what I wrote so either one is good!

After said lesson, me and some mates went to the school sports bit to have a kick around. The 'multicourt' was priced at £16, so you can imagine us poor students said 'no thanks!!!' We went outside to the track and three of us thought 'yeah, why not have a race?' P. left early due to an ankle upset and I just managed to pip D. to the post, but he was wearing jeans and didn't pace himself anyways... A hollow victory but a victory nonetheless, and my testosterone is through the roof at such a male act lol.

Then I went food shopping. Here is my shopping list:

No, only joking I'm not that bad! Still ain't got no beer in me room, so I'm gonna make another trip in tomorrow and bring back a few thousand gallons or something... Watching Liverpool v Wigan tonight in the SU bar. We is playing away (like John Terry... Ok that joke be old now... Even still, check out and I reckon 2-1 to us like last time. More news on that to follow in a predictable fashion...

Finally, check out 'Thoughts of a Broken Clock' at This is a lovely lad who's on my course at uni, and you only have to read a little bit to agree he's an excellent writer. His writing has a lot of power and emotion in it, he uses imagery nicely and he's a darn good bloke to boot! Read it NOW.



Oh my, I've missed a days bloggin'! That's mainly coz I wanted to blog about something I'd been talking about with mates, but I decided it were inappropriate. Currently boppin' along to 'Fresh, Fly, Wild and Bold' by the Cold Crush Brothers, what a delightful piece of 80s cheese! Erm yeah, enough of that. Bopping in a chair may seem harmless enough, but it is the number one cause of knocking stuff off a table or desk, so don't do it. At least it's better than my 'public dancing'. I call it public, but by the Criminal Dancing Act 1987 (Section 3 paragraph 2), it aint fit for public consumption. It often results in people walking away from me as if they don't know me...

Speaking of embarassing, guess who just went to print some stuff off in Edge Hill's LINC building without a uni card to get him access? Yup, me. There were people in my hall's common room (yes, even past 0100hrs. This is a Sunday, y'see, which is one of the best nights to go out at uni... Talk about not keeping the Sabbath...) but I don't think they cottoned on to my faux pas so hey.

How well does sarcasm get across on this doobery?
What's going on?

Saturday, 6 March 2010

To You

I tell you what, Im overwhelmed by 'Dolly Peg and the Untruths'. By the way, if you're an idiot, that's one of the blogs I'm following at the mo and, for my money, one of the best. The voice is so down to earth, so informed and - as I know from personal experience - the author is so lovely, it's such a great thing. I was recently pretty unwell and I got a comment from the lass in question wishing me well. Wise beyond her years and a lovely person too, check out 'Dolly Peg and the Untruths' at
Erm, aside from reading better blogs, I've been going to lectures and using earplugs TO STOP EVERYONE'S NOISE FROM STOPPING ME SLEEPING!!! Yeah I'm an angry mofo atm, hope that doesnt't rub off on you guys. Seriously, all I got to tell ya is that I been drinking tonight, alternating Carlsberg (Liverpool F.C.'s sponsor...) with Jagermeister (which I've recently been told has herbal remedy properties).
Well I'm getting 'too far gone' atm, so erm love life and check out decent blogs lol... I'm off for some rum cocktails etc...
Btw, my last pic of tea was taken without me stirring the mixture, i.e. I let the milk diffuse naturally, so that may be why it looks so sexy! Today I got a picture of (and I'm making this up as I type)... a box of tissues... I don't know what I'm doing anymore... I'm taking it coz it's on the desk in front of me... Ciao!

Thursday, 4 March 2010


Well, what a balls day... Not feeling well at all. Not really bad physically necessarily. Bad head, but other than that, just completely lethargic. Didn't go to class today, just wasn't feeling well enough at all :( The most necessary thing I had to do was submit some coursework, but after trying to print it out a load of times I was told the printer system is down, so I may only be able to get a maximum of 40% now... Great...
The up-side of the day was chicken kievs, with ham and cheese filling. Oh and I guess talking to the new lasses in my halls. They're fantastic: good senses of humour, down to earth and more! They get my vote (for what, I don't know, they just get my vote). Oh yeah and also this new 'vlog' I found on youtube: What a pleasant diversion!
I really want to watch a violent film... I'm thinking Reservoir Dogs. Last time I saw that it was interrupted by people talking, but it was still cool. Then again, I just started E. L. Doctorow's Ragtime. Only read a few pages so far, but I can tell it's gonna kick off. I'd probably say it's 'gripping' so far.
I want more tea. I just finished a mug but it didn't quite hit the spot like the next one will... Be right back...
Back! Had some pickle and mayo on toast as a bonus for being fat... Today's song (what is stuck in me 'ead) be 'Comes Love' by Helen Forrest and Artie Shaw. Tony Soprano put it on before his Uncle shot him. The next time that happens, Journey's 'Don't Stop Believing'. There's some trivia for ya...
Pictures are of mug of tea numbers one and two, plus an extra on of my beard, which I am habitually twirling so a kinda point forms at the bottom. Take care and Godspeed!


Sweet baby Jesus... Another poor night out... People text you asking for 'a couple of pints' or whatever, and expect allsorts afterwards... I need to stop being so bloody naiive. I should believe Freud (and I'm paraphrasing a very small amount of knowledge here), everyone has alternate meanings when they say something: alternate meanings that reflect their suppressed id, rather than their social consciousness. Therefore 'fancy coming out for a couple of pints?' means, 'I'm bored, I've got stuff I wanna get off my chest, fancy being my bitch for the night'... Argh... I know if my friend is reading this now, he aint gonna be my friend no longer... Well, he wants to get his end away tonight so good luck to him...
I missed a valuable reading at the university's theatre tonight. Genuinely really annoyed about it, but I'd forgotten it was going on until the aforementioned mate started making plans... It's really bad though because you learn a lot from readings from published authors (and no doubt from non-published authors too...). Well, there aint nothing I can do now 'cept wait for the fallout of not doing my duty...
Sure I had something else to say, but I can't remember so I'm off. Hope you're enjoying your life.

Tuesday, 2 March 2010

Well hey there!

Where in the hell do my titles come from? I don't know!
Slightly p***ed off at badminton atm. My troubles sleeping and effort levels are affecting my play badly. Also, low turn-outs from people who actually give a s**t are making me care less. When you wanna play, and you got people sitting out on a bench for ages, or someone playing you who won't get on their toes and move for a shot outside their arm radius, what's the point? That's where I'm at now (with badinton!): what's the point?
Maybe that's the question I should ask more generally... With that disturbing notion, I'd like to confirm that I am combatting being p***ed with getting p***ed. I started on my way, but the rate of consumption has fallen, so I'll get a show (which will unfortunately sober me up) then start on 'white Russians' and rum with assorted fruit juices LOLZ!!!
Saw Twilight today, with a downloadable mock commentary. Don't ask me where to find it coz a friend set it up, but hey... It was ok. A lot of bad stuff mixed with rare funny moments.
Speaking of funny; I nearly got chance to flex my funny (but sick) creative writing muscles in the LNG1003 module today (sorry, slightly distracted by some lasses making orgasm noises outside my window... Oops got a semi... Right now where were we?). The group I was in had to produce the beginning of a news article concerned wiht an 85 year old WWII veteran, with three grandchildren, who'd been killed by teenagers in Liverpool (a point we were supposed to emphasise), to sum up the brief. I got a bit facetious, but I'll post what I wrote in a separate post. I think that makes sense...

Monday, 1 March 2010

Stuffed Pasta and Gravy

You know, when watching The Sopranos one time, I heard Paulie talk about having some gravy with his pasta. Now I know in that sense, gravy is tomato sauce, not like British gravy. Nevertheless, I tried stuffed pasta with 'proper' gravy, and it's reet nice! I put mayonnaise in today, too, coz I think gravy and mayo is kewl, but obviously that's a bridge too far for some. EXPAND YOUR MINDS DUDES! I wouldv'e put a picture up, but I ate it too quick...
Saw Smoking Aces today, bit disappointed due to having huge expectations of the cast (Ray Liotta chief among them). It's not the most cerebral film ever (though it aspired to be more so than your common or garden action film), but the weird twists and turns about who was really who, and why people wanted what doing was hard to get my head around really. Doesn't help that I'm not the most intelligent person out there, but hey! Someone's gotta be bottom of the pile...
Found out a lovely lass from my course has her own blog on, you can check that out at
Well, I'm listening to Elvis again and I'm gonna do some mo' work! See ya!

Sunday, 28 February 2010

Oh yeah and Liverpool won 2-1 against Blackburn at home today (despite, apparently, a few shocking decisions going against us)... Didn't see the game desafortunadamente :'(

Happy Birthday Dad!

Well, tis me dear ol' dad's **th birthday today, so throw up yer glasses to him please! We went out for lunch together (he and ma came up by car to see moi. Ain't that good of 'em?) and it were lovely. Couldn't finish my pie mind you, there was a lot there...
Just recently watched The Untouchables with Robert De Niro, Sean Connery, Kevin Costner and Andy Garcia. I gotta say, it's one of the best ideas ever: the action packed story of how Al Capone finally got put away. It wasn't one of the best films ever, though. Hiring the most Scottish guy ever (Connery) as an Irish policeman is a very obvious casting flaw. Then there's the fact they put really cliched elements into the story, like the accountant (who comes up with the plan to put Capone behind bars) being a huge-glasses wearing geek for one example... Urgh. Some of the pseudo-comical moments made me cringe too, like when Costner's character decides that lying flat on the ground will help him shoot at a car coming towards him but - get this - he doesn't get up in time and the car runs him over!!! Oh don't worry folks, the wheels went either side of him! He's not injured at all, just a complete tool. Frank Nitti (Capone's protege) was given an interesting portrayal by a very reptilian looking Billy Drago. He looked a bit scary, but out of place too. I think I prefer Sylvester Stalone's Frank from Capone (the 1970s version, there's probably been a few others). De Niro made a fantastic Capone, with a bit more fat on him than in Taxi Driver, one of my fave films ever. The other strong positive about the film is the graphic scenes. When you make a film about violent people, I think it's good to use violence well, not just willy-nilly. The opening scene, where a little girl is blown up in a pub that won't buy Capone's liquor, is a very striking start. The one where Alphonse himself cracks some guy's skull with a baseball bat for failing in his organization is very brutal indeed, but it's not gratuitous at all, it's telling you about his character.
Film review aside, I found a note I'd written about edible thongs that taste of exhaust-smoked roadkill a couple of minutes ago. Would you buy one?


Yesterday, I had a poor pub sesh and wrote a bitter poem. Today, I went commando and noticed that my worry lines are deepening... I'm not worried about the worry lines, i.e. I'm not going to try and sort em out with lotions and potions, but I'm noticing them. Grey hair to follow...
I'm getting the feeling that I'm just a kinda small cork floating about on the massive raging ocean of life. I just hope that I get washed up on a beach that's relatively litter-free, then things may be ok...
Pictured: Me wearing no underwear and the worry lines.

Thursday, 25 February 2010


Wow it's been another long period since my last blog. Blame beer, blame football, blame work, blame friends and maybe even blame it on the boogie, but don't blame me. Yeah quite a bit has happened: a very good badminton sesh, a very bad badminton sesh, I went to Anfield (effing amazing! All the celebrities in glorious tru-life HD, a win and the only goal of the game scored at the Kop end where I was chanting meself hoarse. Great stuff), had a real struggle with a 2000 word essay on the gothic novel, watched No Country for Old Men (another great effort by the Coen brothers in which a psychopathc killer is given a very chilling portrayal) and, most recently, I saw Liverpool beat Unirea Urziceni again - on their turf this time - 3-1. Pretty decent match and the first time we've scored more than twice since 30 games ago when playing Hull. Masch put in a Steven Gerrard-ian effort from outside the box to pull us level, then Babel put in some inspired control-and-poke movements near the goal line before the skipper himself showed his usual flair with a shot so powerful that the keeper just wasn't enough to stop it.
Oh yeah I've gotten a little obsessed by Morrissey's 'I'm Throwing my Arms Around Paris' of late. Harry Hill sang it in one of his TV Burp episodes (which I'm a massive fan of) so I searched for it on google and found out that it's actually sung by one of the most genius singers ever.
Something is compelling to talk about the word 'disparity.' I mean, what a word! Disparity... Say it... It means, like, the difference between something. For example, one might say, "The disparity between Liverpool's skills and anyone else's is massive." This kinda word blog thing aint nothing new. Recently been watching 'HotForWords,' a fun youtube sensation where a hot Russian lass defines words for ya. Sex sells, so why not use it for the benefit of mankind in the educational department? Check it out at
Todays pics are of a coin that was sneakily given to me instead of £2 at a bar recently, and of Anfield (even though it's frowned upon, I took a picture of it, that's just the way I am). Crafty buggers! Peace out

Monday, 15 February 2010

Monday bloody Monday

Well yeah it's been a pretty dreary Monday with the rain and the oh-so early lessons at 1000hrs. Fiction writing was focused upon settings today: how they inform and enhance characters and plot in a setting. Some people even regard setting as another character!!! Bear that in mind when you next write something, even if it's a shopping list.
So today I found out a couple of new mates' birthdays, bought a mouse for my laptop which helps during internet gaming (apparently), missed out on the opening of 'Club Velvet' in Southport - which I actually wanted to go to despite not being a club person normally - and have got an essay that I'm trying to get going with.
So, to feel like a 'good boy' I'll not rant on any longer about problems I'm having, and leave you in the knowledge that someday soon I'll be free of this essay and we can be as close as we want...
At the top of this post I have included a picture of what the rain outside could look like, with skillful application of a pint glass recepticle, and the coffee which is going to get me through some of my essay (though not in that order or with any known laws of gravity). I know it's what you want.