[Written 27.3.2020]

My photo of a chalk-written message on the side of a kid's play area near Heysham village.

It's a day where the death toll rises sharply in Britain, BoJo gets Coro, and, perhaps as a crumb of comfort, the 'crest of the wave' is predicted by some experts to become apparent in two or three weeks' time. I know this doesn't say anything about timescales for returning to normalcy, but it's another important step on that journey.

I've not been feeling sorry for myself, but my anxieties and whatnot have reached something of a spike. This depression lately has been properly trying to kick my butt. My sleeping is fucked, and that has such a knock-on with my stomach, many things in my head (concentration, that 'fish bowl feeling' etc), what I get done in the day etc... I went shopping today for the first time in over a week (as I've followed the self-isolation guidelines since discovering I had a fever - but I'm aaalright now), and I so desperately wanted to go, to get out the house, to do useful things (compounded for sure by being a carer in various different strengths of responsibility for the past six-ish years, and spending a recent seven months living alone, which fostered in me that sense of knowing exactly what was going on around the house, and being in control of a lot of it), to see the sunlight, see a couple of humans etc. On the other hand, my head was making completely unreasonable scenarios seem likely. I was scared of the idea of the shop 'guards' meeting you outside the shop, standing in a line for who knows how long (and how long would the line be, us all standing two metres apart?), for some reason, I guess the sensation of being 'on display'. Also, there's a big shame thing going round my head at the moment, which centres around the idea of necessity. Yes it's necessary to have food to survive, but I have both the responsibility not to spread Covid-19, and the idea that homeless people don't have the luxury to pop into Tesco with their savings and get things in, which makes me feel guilty. As for the former issue, I have been worried about police patrols stopping me, questioning why I'm out. And I'm not saying I feel so dramatically paranoid that they'd arrest me, seeing something ulterior in my statement about a trip to get some bread and milk, but the emotional impact of being asked, at this time where I'm surprised how bloody fragile I'm feeling, is action-smotheringly looming large at me... Add to that little concerns like, for example, if I was looking at toilet roll - coul I do without it? Are you taking it out the hands of a poor old pensioner? I know, it's comic, but that's how it appears in my head, with the laugh track edited out...

As it happened, the shop was pretty good. A few people decided to walk shoulder to shouler along a pavement, forcing me right out into the road, but other than that everyone was just doing normal things, in pairs at most. The shop still had lots of empty spaces, but I got fruit, bread, even a couple of packets of crisps (hang me! I know they're not necessary and I went and got them anyway), so it felt pretty ok. I saw they were out of pasta, but managed to re-stock on beans, and honestly I forgot to check toilet roll, but that's thankfully not an issue for us at the minute. I self-checked-out, which I always find a shame because I like to talk to the cashiers, but I was happy that I was limiting their exposure (for what it's worth, when they go and serve someone else! But hey, every little helps, right? Or was that Asda?). The biggest difference was all the yellow and black tape all over the floor, marking out 'squares of safety', like we shoppers are counters in a board game. Well, we are in a vast, global strategy game of sorts... Cosmic, in fact. There was a slightly awkward moment on my way out as a person, I don't know, tried to guess which way I was walking, I slowed down to let them past, they sort of stopped so I powered forward, only for them to suddenly change direction and nearly walk into me, potentially unleashing huge plumes of virus-ridden droplets over Heysham, but it never happened.

I don't know why I'm writing this flippantly. Nervous energy, maybe? I really did feel like I was wound up tight before. I felt a little bit better having come back from the shops, but then felt absolutely compelled to get this down, which is unusual. I'm under no illusions that it's just trivial blather about my experiences, and normally I'd say 'hey, maybe some time in the evening get your thoughts down', but I'm a bit frantic, giddy even. It's so weird. I have that NHS advert off the telly in my head, and the red 'x' beside 'visit family or friends' makes me think how hopeless I feel. I've not seen friends in ages, and now it doesn't seem safe to... I feel compelled to try and keep abreast of the news, too, but, as I should bloody well know (maybe my depression is trying to feed itself, keep itself strong while I am weak?), some of it has depressed me, stories of people in cities around the world told not to leave their house at all, not even to get food, walk dogs or whatever. Then someone said, in a very hurt tone, Britain should count itself lucky they can leave the house at all, and I thought 'yeah, absolutely, every day like that is a gift', but then I think, 'but then aren't we part of the problem if we do go outside'? Every point has its obverse... Where am I going with all this...

I don't know whether it's good news or not (oh go on, be positive!), but I've decided to enter this BBC call for scripts (5-10 minutes, involving 2-4 characters in isolation who communicate via video call). I'd apologise for not giving you much notice, but, to be fair, the call only started a week ago, so no-one's had a great deal. Anyway, I'm not moaning, I'm just saying that's the way it is. I'm getting a decent idea together. I want to give them something. A little part of it is 'practice' mentality, but also I want to get my words out there, urgently so at the moment (hence this blog, I guess). I don't know. Am I thinking I'm dying soon? Do I feel dead already?

Hmm... It's a day like this where I could really do with a drink. Again, this is not a joke. I could use one to calm me down, stop feeling the discomfort of existence, and, maybe, to help me get actual sleep tonight. But I won't. Sorry for bringing that up. Anyone out there struggling with substance misuse problems, please stay strong. I know at the moment, nerves are jangling for everyone, and it could seem like a good reason to self-medicate - but honestly, life is still there to be lived, and you can only do that by being here in the present (which substances take you away from). Think of your strength now as a sober person - it's wonderful.

Right, I'm going to 'foxtrot oscar', as one of my colleagues would say :)

Stay safe everyone. Please don't be alone - get in touch with people. They won't mind.

P.S. Tim Martin's an asshole. He's seen some sense - but how much? It stuns me that he even considered fucking over his staff like that. https://www.telegraph.co.uk/business/2020/03/25/wetherspoon-boss-tim-martin-decides-pay-staff/

Mark Kermode's Secrets of Cinema

from freepik.com :)

I've always been a big film fan. I think as a kid, I found comfort in the rise and fall of a classic fairytale-esque storyline and, of course, good triumphing over evil (such good preparation for later life...). Later I enjoyed watching writers and directors push the boundaries of all the action you could fit on a screen, my teenage years filled with films that were about exploring coolness via largely large males wreaking havoc on various villains, seemingly invincible, yet just human enough. Since then I have, as with all medias, tried to expand what I watch, learn about what effects are used (and how), become critical of the mainstream and generally seek to find things that offer fresh perspectives on art and life.

Mark Kermode is a bit of a hero of mine. For a long time I wanted to be a film critic, and he is just one of those people that I'd like to be like: knowledgeable, erudite and cool to boot. Now I (we, us!) can watch five hours of him on our screens, doing what he does best: entertaining and educating us, in his groovy way.

I've watched three episodes so far, the Heist one (probably the genre I'm most familiar with on the list), the RomCom one (I'd never been a big fan of the idea of RomComs, especially as the ones I've seen (Along Came Polly, or Hitch type saccharine shtick) have done nothing to inspire me, but Kermode explains examples I'd never thought or heard of in a way that changes my conception of what they are and what they can do, which makes me want to watch more) and, just now, the Coming of Age one (which is quite moving, actually. It explored the idea of the filmmakers' personality and experience coming out in the finished product and, indeed, explained the gravity of the task of trying to capture a universal human moment, such as when adulthood invades and subsumes child-like innocence for good). The reason why I didn't want to comment after watching every episode was because I'd end up with five separate rambles (I struggled to write as little as I did in this paragraph, and it's hardly 'streamlined'), and writing this half-way through at least helps me comment on why I think you should watch the series.

It's such a joy to learn from experts. What you get per episode is someone who looks at archetypes and exceptions to give you a picture of the overall genre - structured with a few sub-sections, such as character, location, music etc. What is so amazing to me is the period of time that an episode spans. Because Kermode's knowledge base is so broad, we are taken on a trip potentially from the first movie of its kind (so potentially even pre-1920, before the first 'talkie'), to this year's releases. We are shown instances of homage in the intersticial period (and you may be surprised how many homages there are in a single genre, the Wallace and Gromit: The Wrong Trousers/Mission Impossible one being salient), but also points to where writers and filmmakers grow tired of the self-referentiality, the cliché, and break out to do something unexpected.

Another part of why the series as a whole is worth a look, is that it examines (if only in passing) outside the films, the current Hollywood (and beyond) 'scene', addressing sexism and inequalities etc, hoping for things to be addressed further and bettered. I suppose it's this - looking at what's being done wrong and right in the industry, to how exactly humanity and other existential dilemmas are configured through filmic arts directly - that makes me feel privileged to watch it. I'm learning about life and philosophy, about the possibilities of our mind. It really feels that deep to me, while not coming across as heavy or lecturey at all. Even though I consider myself (at least temporarily) 'offline' as a writer now, I find this series inspiring, and I hope you do too.

Enjoy! It's available for another nine months from the time of publishing this - and the horror episode might well be good for the upcoming Halloween celebrations :)

https://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episodes/b0bbn5pt

Something to Tide you Over

Yum.

Here is a link to an article on how to make Yorkshire puddings:

http://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/9020/best-yorkshire-puddings

Have fun.

Here is a link to my fundraising page:

https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/Martin-Palmer5

Thanks.

'JOHNNY DEPP DEEP IN SUSPICION'

The recent events surrounding the uncovering of Jimmy Savile's disgusting past (60 alleged victims and 340 lines of enquiry now sullying his once okay name) have shed new light on other celebrities' sordid 'kiddy-fidling' affairs.

This crisis of sexual depravity is thought to have stained and corrupted the decent nature of Christian folk as far flung as Hollywood. A documentary, shown recently on ITV2, has shown how Johnny Depp (star of such previously 'family-friendly' films as Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Rango and From Hell) has engaged in 'indecent activities' with young people.

Sleepy Hollow (now thought to be a sick joke of a title) flagrantly shows blatant scenes of Depp 'co-starring' with Christina Ricci (who has been in other films too). Camera's captured Depp (now 49) and Ricci (once as young as one month old) embracing, kissing and swooning at each other's feet.

A man who says he saw the 'documentary' told MIBR, "Ricci looked about 10, 11 maybe at a push, and Depp loomed close to her looking like a man possessed. It was clear to me that he wanted to 'violate her' and, such was the intensity of his animalistic desires, it took only the strongest of supernatural forces to deter him from his aim.

"Personally I would. I mean I'm not 'paedo' but she is very attractive. It's okay for me to say this, I'm a father myself, not a monster. Especially in that corset, though, she looks very mature and personally I'm a breast man. Her breasts were very alluring."

Tum Birton is yet to comment.

If you've been effected by any of the issues in this post, please remember it is disingenuous.

Thanks to the BBC news website and IMDB for their cooperation in supplying the facts for this story:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-19939349, http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000136/bio

Morecamber and Wiser

So today I'm going to review the new 'Morecamber and Wiser' show, the freeview channel Zeitgit's flagship offering. In case you couldn't tell by the ever-so-witty title, this is an updated version of the classic 'Morecambe and Wise' sketch show from a bygone era. Think of the contemporary 'Sherlock' (BBC) or 'Henry 8.0' (BBC). They both did good jobs of capturing old ideas and breathing an uplifting vivacity into them. 'Morecamber and Wiser' is quite different...

I'm not going to go into a big ol' rant here, suffice to say that the opening joke sees Morecamber trying to get onto Wiser's laptop. When he puts in the wrong password, he is greeted with the 'Wrong password' message (familiar to those of you, like me, who are curious about what other people store on their laptops, pen drives, email accounts etc), to which he retorts, "It was the right password, just not necessarily on the right laptop."

Need I say more?

Good Question Actually

Had me badminton today. Went in feeling pretty bad but had a great time and some good shots. Int bar afterwards I may have relieved a little pressure concerning subject A (look at 'A Rather Large Aversion').

Liverpool beat Burnley 4-0. Doesn't give me any pleasure that they're relegated now, but it's fantastic for us. Stevie G netted the first two (the bloody hero that he is), Maxi Rodriguez got his first and Babel put insult to injury in injury time (see what I tried to do there?). 4th place here we come (maybe...)!

Been checking out the BBC iPlayer, an episode of 'Have I Got News for You' and a couple of Russel Howard's 'Good News.' Nice to have a good laugh, I think we can all forget about what that feels like sometimes.

The song in moi 'ead is 'Tempted by the Fruit of Another' by Squeeze and I leave you with the news that I just drank a hair that was in my coffee, or should that be ate a hair that got in my mouth while I sipped that sweet nectar? First one's snappier but incorrect... Well I put a picture up anyways, but you can't see the hair coz it's in my mouth now. Won't take a pic of my tongue... You may be eating or something...