Thursday, 29 July 2010


Oooh I got a lot of it right now. Knees, back, fingers, fingertips, feet, wrists and all the rest. Ooooow...

Lets hope 'Family Guy' on Beeb 3 provides the best medicine. Laughter, that is, not crack cocaine.

Tuesday, 27 July 2010

A Classic Example of Forcing Writing

As I was putting my empty Carlsberg cans into the recycling bin (AFTER washing them. God, I'm not Hitler you know...), I realised to a certain extent how much I'm missing university. I was whinging on again to myself about not having much time off, and even when I do get it it's interrupted by a shift that ends in the morning, meaning I have to waste over half my day off catching up on sleep. Rant over, I found myself glamourizing deadlines, yes, DEADLINES. I actually thought "At least you know where you are with a deadline, and all your time off is your own to do what you want with," much like you'd think, "Ooh whatever happened to being stung relentlessly by swarms of bees" after marauding honey-makers got replaced by strong acid in your water supply.

Again, I know how lucky I am to have a job... Yeah yeah yeah... But I am being dissolved painfully from the inside at the minute, at least according to my earlier analogy, and I yearn to be attacked by fat little flying insects once more. Leah, whose blog I pointed out last time (why haven't you checked it out yet? Why? WHY, OH GOD WHY?!?) has acted as a bit of a deadline to me recently, though that sounds pretty unflattering... She's been prompting me to write as regular as I used to, and I think I'm getting back into the swing of things. If you don't like me blogging, talk to her about it!

So, to clarify things: as much as I'm enjoying life at the mo, university will provide a welcome holiday from my holidays. Have a good night folks!

Do I Want Fries With That?

Yes I do, actually. I'm pretty hungry... Didn't get a break at work today and haven't had a lot to eat in total. At this time of the night/morning (depending on your inaccuracy), cooking isn't appropriate but snacks just never fill ya DO THEY? DO THEY HUH? Oh sorry I went psychotic again. Erm...

If you're feeling hungry for some lovely blogging, why not check out 'Would You Like Fries With That?' ( Sure, I've known the author for a while and you may think I'd be biased, but her blog is, "certainly unadulterated Leah... which is its chief charm," says 'Martzia' magazine.

I feel lacklustre so I'm gonna go... If you fancy any fish porn, check out some of these sites: (this last one involves saucy sea-life scenarios! Butch Cleaner: "I've just come to clean your tank m'am." Fish: "Bubble bubble blurble")

Sunday, 18 July 2010

Charlie Brooker

What an absolute legend! I watched loads of his programme 'Screenwipe' (BBC3) online and I really liked it. It is, in essential essence, a programme about TV. It looks at Charlie's views on current shows, how they make certain shows and then lets us have a look at one they made earlier. In season 4 episode 5, por ejemplo, Charlie discusses 'elimination shows' such as BBC1's 'The Apprentice' before making his own - called 'The Unloser.' Hilarity itself encapsulated neatly into a video. But yeah, I had a point rather than just an irrelevant opinion; I started liking King Charlie, then looked at his books on one of my rip-roaringly regular (I don't know what that means... It's just aliterative) shopping sessions. These books are what I wanna chat about:

I bought his 'Dawn of the Dumb: Dispatches from the Idiotic Frontline' recently and, as a collection of the big Charl-dawg's Guardian collumns, it didn't disappoint as a thought-provoking and oft amusing wedge of time spent. Sometimes, however, I find myself being directly insulted by monsieur Brooker. Many of his articles I agree with completely, things I thought I was the only one with an opinion on, due to them being too deep for most folk to want talk about, but there is a flipside. He's called me a "goon" and suchlike a few times, once for the reason of laughing at farts. Yep, that's actually the point of this blog, to talk about farting.

My cousin once said, and I think it's actually quite true, that if you can't laugh at someone letting one rip - especially in certain situations where it seems a bit taboo or inappropriate - then you don't have a sense of humour. Whether that is true or not, who knows, but please, Mr. Charlie Brooker sir, don't hate me for being different to you! I want to be your friend!

Wednesday, 14 July 2010

For a Few Words More

Been working right hard in Morecambe, so I have. Had many, many hours recently and it's been a weird experience, mainly with respect to the passage of time. I don't know what day it is, what I did yesterday or if I have any plans tomorrow. It's a bit like being put in a centrifuge; not only is it generally disorienting, but your life gets separated from you leaving behind a big sticky splodge behind. This splodge likes to ruin social events...

Anyway, enough about my sticky splodges. The doctor says his tablets will clear that up anyway. Liverpool has a new manager, Roy Hodgson - formerly of Fulham FC. I was sad to see Rafa go, but I have a good feeling about Roy. He's done well at Fulham, especially in the European department, and I think he could be the man for the job. This is all just based on gut reaction, but then again so was my last bout of sticky splodges, and they're fun in a weird kind of way. Oh I said that was enough about them didn't I?

Not much else to say currently. I love to moan, but life is disappointingly great at the minute, so what's a guy like me to do? I have a job, I'm clothed and fed very well, I'm getting to see my friends and talk to others, things couldn't be that much better. It's like the police being faced with a world of really nice gardeners; there is nothing for them to do. Well, unless the gardeners started planting daisies on private property without permission... Naughty...

"Daisy Dillinger is public enemy number one" says police chief Mahogany of Scotland Yard. "Despite every other crime in life being non-existent, we are still experiencing a growth in numbers of rogue gardeners illegally planting daisies across the country. Most people don't realise the full extent of the damage that daisies can do til they get hit. We are doing our level best to combat the problem, but we urge the public to be vigilant and start keeping hungry slugs."

I want to watch 'For a Few Dollars More.'