Just Checking In, Really

I struggle to believe that it's been nearly a month since I last posted anything on this blog. I had a quiet aim to post once a week, and clearly that's not happened. Things in life have overtaken me somewhat. I don't write this in a 'woe is me' kind of way - I know there are always people worse off - but I suppose I'm trying to come to some understanding of it myself. If this first step is possible (or even when it isn't!), it's always the aim to (probably inadvertently) pass on some kind of wisdom along the way, so here's hoping.

I suppose the last time I wrote anything on here (rather than just linking) was before a fire that happened in my house. I was using an old laptop and the battery in it exploded. First of all, it's worth pointing out that, apart from happening at all, I was very lucky that a) I wasn't seriously hurt (I burnt my foot a bit, but that's all), b) that the damage was very localised (when you consider how quickly whole houses can go up, you know, this hadn't got anywhere near devastation level), c) the fire services were very quick to respond (I wasn't sure if I'd completely put the fire out before I had to leave the room due to smoke, so I was understandably nervous until they arrived). The worst thing about the whole episode was the loss of some of my writing (lots of papers were on my desk, especially newer drafts that I hadn't typed up yet) and, now that I think about it, the shock of it, and the interruption to what I was doing at the time, and the momentum I had built up (I was doing well sorting out possessions in my room, doing more reading and writing etc). As I say, tho, these are very minor concerns relatively, and I count myself extremely fortunate to be able to tell you this like I am.

Daniele Pantano's Mass Graves: City of Now and Maya Angelou's And Still I Rise are two books the cosmos deemed worthy by trial of fire.

I've gone 'a bit mad' (I won't bother unpacking that one, or we'll be here all night...) since then trying to make some eBay money. The constant scrolling through auctions and all that jazz has taken up lots of time and energy (all my choice, yes), and I've eased off that. Because I'm buying and selling (go to my shop for a bargain!) games, that means I've been playing on a few, too, and though I don't see that time as completely wasted (it's been fun, after all), I sometimes feel it is because it doesn't tie in with my, and other people's, definitions of 'productivity' - of which blogging is only a small part ('SMALL!?' I hear you shriek. 'But your blog's contribution to the world is so unfathomably large - how, pray tell, could it ever be described as a 'small part' of anything, unless in a crude, jokey sort of a way?' Well, I say stop being so sarcy).

Jazmin Linklater's Toward Passion According and Zarf: Issue 11 are two more works that have passed through the fire and come out victorious.

These are two selected flash-points in a general 'up and down-ness' that I think we're all going through at the moment (for those of us for whom life is already like that, then it's more pronounced, I think). There have been other frustrations and niggles that have got me down and fucked me up a bit, but c'est la vie. What did I do to help myself? Well, read on...

I have just written a bit of a diary, and felt my head was a little clearer afterwards. These days, my diaries aren't so angsty and dripping with soul torture juices (TM), they tend to be more about what I'm going to do to change (I suppose the seeds of this were sown in Robert Sheppard's focus on poetics as a speculative writerly discourse - when I write poetics, it is often to find a way forward. But anyway, I'm not the guy to broach that subject. And if I was, I'd do it in a post that isn't already huge, unwieldy, and generally rather inane), as this one was. Then I wrote a bit of poetry - first time in too long. Some of the drafts I mentioned before that were damaged in the fire, I made into a new poem by combining the words that were left behind, the ones that survived, and suddenly felt great (yes, probably a bit of mania before another drop, but I'm using it to write this! Strike while the iron's hot, etc. Dunno what you do when the iron's cold. Put it back in the cupboard, I suppose).

"Nature abhors a vacuum, and fire abhors unworthy poetry," says the aphorism as old as time. So it was that some of my work has completely perished. Some of it, however, fought back.

Is that the wisdomful nugget of this post? Writing cures all? Haha, I don't think so. I mean, I think it can help all of us in some way or another, but I think this deeper feeling of contentedness, perhaps (if it even is that...), is due to paying attention to one's own 'higher power', which for me I think is writing. To put that into a soundbite thing, maybe it's a case of you 'getting out of it what you put in'? Other things that I'm doing to combat the shit mental health are growing chilli peppers (thanks for the seeds, Ann!), and I'm working on making an effort to hopefully get my outdoor exercise levels back up to the point they were at before Covid-19 had me looking at people out the window like 'Unwashed doom-bringer! Stay out of my sight, lest you infect my eyes! The eyes are the windows to the soul, and I want my soul to be healthy. Yes, healthy soul, healthy soul... All the outside air is bad for the soul - Devil air, yes it is!' (this said as I rock back and forth on the floor, slowly clawing at my face until it starts to bleed).

And that, I think, is it (I have to legally add "for now" after saying that, because people's Blogtastic-based disappointment translates to a lot of litigation). Let's re-cap; it's all about moving forward. I'm not dwelling on the bad stuff in the past, or the bad stuff now. I am happy that I'm doing good stuff (self-defined), that there are people that I love and that love me, and that life is (at least potentially) rich and wonderful again.

Peace, love, and light, folks :)

The 'i's Have it

I've been questioning what direction my life has been going in lately. Or, more accurately, i've been questioning how i'm living my life. This came about due to the myriad of things that are going on in my life, this MindBodyGreen site, much music i'm listening to at the minute (George Harrison, John Lennon and many more. Not gonna give you an exhaustive list, that'd steal too much focus and sap the snappiness from this post which, if i'm totally honest, is already struggling to be appealing) and a few other things.

To cut to the chase, i'm busy trying to be a better person. I'm working on my self-centredness because i believe many of the world's problems stem from too much ego in some form or other. Won't go into the whole shebang, suffice to say that it creeps into politics and more (governments that put money before principles ruin lives and teach some citizens that wealth is more important than values and ethics). Sure some of it's human nature, but human endeavour is more powerful than that. My way of trying to improve this situation (in my life, at least) is to save the image in the above link as my desktop and also use a bit of linguistic relativism to help me too.

A bit of linguistic relativism, you say? Whaddaya mean by that? Well, i'll tell you what i mean by that. You may have noticed that i'm not capitalizing the 'i's in this post. The idea is that a capital 'i' represents a cult of self-importance. A self-honorific if you like, conveying an arbitrary importance of the speaker. I don't believe it's that common in world languages actually (Spanish 'yo' doesn't use it, neither does French 'je'. After that i'm stumped). I know there are many Asian languages that have a plethora of honorifics for others and it would be easy to speculate that members of that speech community behave better towards each other. Only speculate, you understand.

I'm thinking that by de-capitalizing the 'i', i'll encourage a sense of humility within myself. Hey, it's worth a go. I'll not do it in academic essays or whatever... So far it seems groovy. Obviously i'm not doing it at the start of sentences either - i'm not anti-grammar, just pro-experimentation.

Well, what do you think? Have i lost more of the plot or am i onto something? Comment maybe?

Yes, Man!

I've been feeling lately like I'm stuck in a rut. Stuck in some superglue whilst putting together a model of the Millennium Falcon. Stuck, perhaps, in some chewing gum I just sat in on public transport. However and wherever I was stuck, I've felt like needing to shake things up a bit, to stop sitting in the gum and run forward until the sticky gum tendrils snap and I am free.

So yesterday I had a full day at uni, but instead of sitting back and relaxing after this, I went forward. Though it wasn't part of my course, though it wasn't free, I said a big 'yes' to the opportunity to see past Edge Hill Short Story Prize winners read out their work at the Bluecoat in Liverpool and have a discussion on short story writing. The two prize winners to attend were Graham Mort (Touch) and Tom Vowler (The Method).

Unfortunately, Mr. Vowler had to drop out due to illness, but Graham more than made up for this by reading out some of his poetry in the first half. I think the thing that struck me the most was the rhythm of his poetry. I appreciated the considered approach and how his exploration of an image groped forward to an interesting and thought-provoking point. His short story 'The Lesson' (from Touch) was very evocative in a sensual way, with focus on sexual relations, pervading pungent smells, the caress of the sea and so on. It made me think of life as a series of strings, leading to and from a person, so fragile and hardly noticeable that secrets and turmoils are almost necessary (at least for the characters in the story).

All in all, a fantastic experience to see such a master at work again. Imagine where I'd have been if I'd said 'nah, too tired tonight'. Stuck on a sofa with so much gluey crap feeling sorry for myself. Say 'yes' more, embrace life, you only get one!

Last Post of the Year!!!

OH MY GOD! THIS IS, LIKE, SO TOTALLY GONNA BE MY LAST POST OF THE YEAR!

But it's not that special is it? I was quite surprised yesterday to find that a very good friend of mine, who is a very bright, energetic and overtly light-hearted chap, is actually sick of certain 'celebrations' in life as I am too. Was a bit like seeing Santa shave off his jolly white beard, but there you go. He said he couldn't be bothered with going out and celebrating New Year's [bloody] Eve because it's just another year, nothing special about that is there? I agree. Without getting too deep into it, just because we follow some kooky system of counting days (I believe humans call it a calendar) we are expected to funnel loads of natural joy and wonderment into certain 'days'. One of them is New Year. Hooray for another 365.25 days of probable doom, death and destruction! And bad telly, now I think of it...

Birthdays are another one. Why should people celebrate birthdays? What did you do on your birthday? Bugger all, you were born, you didn't actually do anything that should be rewarded. If anything, your parent/s should be the ones getting acclaim, but that pre-supposes that you're happy with your life. Life's supposed to be a gift from God, hence why I sometimes want to ask if he kept the receipt, but that's another matter...

Valentine's Day. Bollocks... That's something else that's gonna be coming up quickly involving loss of money and failed attempts at sharing 'emotions' and shit... Surely if you love someone, you should tell them as often as you can, not just once a year when it's somehow 'more special'. And this is coming from someone who is actually in a relationship so nyear to all those writing me off as a loner! Dunno how long it'll stay that way, mind you, I am rather infuriatingly cynical...

The conclusion here can only go one of two ways; either we should celebrate nothing, or we should free our mind from meaningless constraints such as calendars and enjoy life free from a schedule. Don't live life like you're looking in a TV guide; 'Oh it says here that there's gonna be some happiness next month, on the 19th at 8 o' clock.' I suppose you could say 'be spontaneous' or 'live in the moment' if you want to...

Wow

That's really abismal... I know I've been following Liverpool for a fairly short time, but I've realised that this season is below their proper performance. This season, the one I've been able to follow most closely, has been sub-par, but I don't support Liverpool on the assumption they're gonna win. I support them coz I'm proud of 'em and I enjoy watching 'em. Tonight however, they could hardly get their passes right. They had the usual problems making chances up front, and fluffing certain opportunities presented nearer the goal line, but their normal passing was so poor that pressure couldn't be applied. Very sad to see... 1-0 to Wigan...

I look at football as a game, I don't look at it as just Liverpool FC. I know that judging a team on past performance is a fallacy because - just like ordinary life - sports people's careers have their ups and downs. It's disappointing when fans of other teams have a go because we weren't as good as we once were, but even Manchester United aren't perfect. They've fallen to Burnley (a side who've only been promoted to the Premier League this season) and Everton (who we've even managed to beat both times). My point is that you've got to have a sense of perspective. Liverpool are having problems, but they can't win prestigious trophies at the drop of a hat! Let fans enjoy their football and whatever happens to Liverpool, I'll be proud to support them. They could get relegated out of existence and I'll never support another team. Basically, let us not get bogged down in what used to be, or maybe even what will be. Let us enjoy what is, here and now. I take what I can from every match, like I do from every day life. Don't judge people on past happenings (like not all Germans have been Nazis, for example), but be perceptive to the immediate happenings.

That may have been a very deep message wrapped in a football, so, in case I'm getting out of my depth, I'll digress! My team may have lost, but I celebrated in life with some mates, and even made a couple of new ones. I almost forgot about the bad result until walking back! I always have deep conversations with this lad, loosely centring around the ego, and he was on form tonight. With that, I leave you with the mixture of Napolitan Italian dialect, but also the Spanish 'salud' meaning good health (as in a toast to...) x

(Pictured is my toast to you guys out there, "Salud!")