The Days Amble Away Like Tame Sheep Down the Street

"Donating is like art, you know. It requires supreme efforts, and then the audience, y'know, completes the circuit... makes it whole." https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/Martin-Palmer5

Photo take waaay before Sober for October started, dear readers.

The past few months have sped by, but I always suspected that this month would drag. I'm not blaming this phenomenon on lack of beer. It probably has more to do with the fact I'm dissecting everything on this blog :P If einmal ist keinmal, then blogging [perhaps all writing?] is surely everything, having been re-lived and [further] re-formed. Anyway, that's enough of that. What I originally wanted to talk about was the pace of life this October. It seems very slow. Not quite at the interminable point - yet - but worryingly draggy.

I remember how it often used to be. Drink sort of lubricated time. I don't want you to think I'm wishing my life away or anything, but at work, for example, the day used to go quicker after a couple of drinks the night before. Well, in general. Sometimes, if in pain, it could feel even longer, but that's mainly down to how busy you are. There's a chance I'm completely wrong, of course, but I feel it's true.

Without this liquid change of pace, the days feel like squares, rather than irregular chunks stretched this way and that by your perception. I'm sure for most people the squares are a good thing. And I'm not saying I think it's a bad thing for me, I'm just saying it's different. I can tell you that I'd like it a lot more if I had certain of my ducks in certain other rows [apologies for the ambiguity, but I'll leave it in]. I think this frustration I have is at the root of all of this introspection and, occasionally, the urge to crack open a great-tasting, momentarily refreshing beverage and feel its warming proof help release me a little. Ah what the hell am I on about... This amount of sobriety just feels a bit weird, is all.

I realise that some of the allure of alcohol's [perceived] time-bending powers is down to the lack of control I have in life. I don't mean that in a whiny, 'I Me Mine' way. As humans, none of us have that much control, and if we think we do, we're probably deluded. It's best to embrace this, but as a weak person, I still sometimes fall for cheap tricks. I used to think that my choice, and the results, were all factored in and fine, but didn't realise that a) wanting control is always going to lead to suffering [indeed, wanting to avoid the inevitable or change the impossible in general], especially since, as I pointed out before, this 'method' didn't always work for me, b) there are other effects to regular consumption [the risk of cancer, the general time and work it takes to get rid of toxins from the body, the money blah blah] and c) you can be more powerful if you use yourself, rather than a crutch, to get where you want. It's in this spirit that I've actually wondered if I ever might give up booze altogether.

I doubt it. You never know though. All things must pass, after all...

Day Six

 Got some spare old money lying around that you don't know what to do with? Why not give it to charity? This one seems as good as any: https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/Martin-Palmer5

Today's just been crap, really. I was emotional this morning because of a song I'd heard on the radio. It got me thinking about mum and other close friends and family that have passed over the years. Then I went out to work, and it wasn't the most fulfilling of days. It was very quiet, due to yet more local roadworks, and I was left alone with my thoughts for a long time. I found myself reverting to my habit [that word again...] of looking at all the beer bottles in the beer room and wondering which I'd like to have after my shift. Of course, that would have been a direct contravention of the my Sober October agreement, so was out of the question.

Mum is my motivation today. Yes, I've had some more generous folk donating to the page, but I needed more today. One of the last times I remember mum saying she was proud of me was when I'd graduated from university. Looking back, I'm actually prouder of her. As the picture shows, she has grey hair. Before chemotherapy made her lose her hair, she used to dye it, but after it grew back, she wanted it natural. The reason I'm saying this is so that you can see that, despite being in the middle of her fight with cancer, she still came out to support me at the graduation ceremony with a brave face. I think she enjoyed it, and she was proud, but as I say I'm proud of her too.

I've already said it, but the idea of not drinking for a month would've made mum raise an eyebrow. She would've asked why on earth I'd want to go and do something like that. But I think she'd've been happy in the knowledge I was doing something healthy [after all, she has seen me in some right states. Singing Elvis in the bathroom before falling asleep on the loo wasn't exactly a high point...], and touched as well, had she known that she was the inspiration behind the endeavour.

Never miss an opportunity to show you care for someone. And if you can lend a helping hand to those that could do with it, like Macmillan who helped her as she reached the end of her life, then it's great to do it.

Peace out.