This is an END, My Only Friend an END

Yes, it's that time again! An Exciting New Drinks [END] post! Bet you've all been champing at the bit since the last one.
"When's our next END?"
"I want another END!"
"END now!" are probably some of the things what you've been shouting into your computer screens. But that's not an effective way to communicate.

Anyway... Here's some delicious root beer. It continues to be a mystery to me why root beer is not at least as popular as Irn Bru in this country. I would say 'as popular as coke', but those big hitters in the soft-drink league are way out ahead because of all their disgusting, inhuman and evil practices which have led to them to make a ton of money and become one of those 'non-monopoly monopolies'.
 
I wish I had some root beer right now...

Taken by the fabbest photographer I know.

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'Good for You'

I've been reading this IFL Science! article that shows there are health benefits to drinking hoppy ales. In case you didn't know [and why would you, unless you've been reading All Hail the Ale?], hoppy ales tend to be my favourites. The hoppier the better. Stupidly hopped beers, ones that put people off with their lack of balance and uber-bitterness, are my bag, baby.

You'd possibly expect me, therefore, to be jumping for joy, and maybe even giving up on Sober For October, just so I can help reduce liver fat by slurping away at a cask of 'Hoptimum'. But no. I realise that 'one benefit' doesn't equal 'completely beneficial'. It might just be me reading this into headlines [i.e. inference, rather than implication], but I'm sick of all these twee and buzzy titles and comments on the internet, not least when it concerns something that has to be treated with respect, which is the kind of thing this article summons.

The IFL page that I follow on Facebook was by no means guilty of the worst of this flippancy with regards to the comment they put when they shared the article, which was something like, "I know what I'm having tonight..." If I was to come down hard on this, it would just confirm that I'm nothing but a humourless curmudgeon. My problem is more with the 'culture' [if that's an apt term] of saying deflectory [deflectory because they avoid talking seriously or meaningfully about a topic] things like this. A few of my friends sharing the above piece made the same reference I made before, about drinking irresponsible amounts of it to 'load up' on the one positive that the article describes, knowingly [at least, I hope they know] leaving out the negatives. I know they're not being serious, but repeating these ideas of dangerous excess is just odd. Why do so many people [in my experience] feel the need to say these things?

I was speaking to someone today who'd bought a bottle of wine and had also been given a glass as a promotional freebie. As she was leaving, she said something about 'going off to drink this on the street'. As a 'joke', I believe. Drinking alone is one of the red flags for alcoholism, and I'm sure cracking open a bottle of booze as soon as you leave a shop, then consuming it all on the cold concrete outside is probably an indicator too. Again, I know she wasn't being serious, but why is this attitude so pervasive? As I work in an off-licence I get these comments multiple times a day. It strikes me as an out-of-date joke that a no-longer relevant comedian might make, one that's ingrained in our recent-past popular culture to the point where it becomes an automatic reply to a prompt. An example [from the 80s film Airplane] would be if you tell someone "Surely that can't be right," and they say "Don't call be Shirley!" That example is harmless, but the ones I'm talking about surrounding booze aren't, really. They're sort of like using the word 'bossy' to predominantly describe girls. If you can't see that the issue is pervasive and rooted in our language behaviours, be it sexism or attitudes to alcohol and its abuse, then you might be using language in a way that reinforces and normalises dangerous habits, especially when impressionable minds are within earshot.

And before you accuse me of being a terrible duffer, attacking comedy for the aims of destroying all joy in the world, just ask yourself if you even find these references funny? If you are ill, but decide to drag yourself into work anyway, would/do you find it flattering that a string of strangers ask you "Was it a good night last night?" as if you must be 'on it' every night, and that's the only possible reason for you feeling under the weather.

Again, I can't comment on the culture in other countries, but I think this country is still odd and backward in some of its ways. Sure, there are moves to become more enlightened but there's an institutionalised stain on people's thinking. And, you know, that's very human of course. These things have built up over a lot of time and they are hard to phase out. I understand that, and also that expecting to completely eradicate anything is surely a path to suffering, but this is at least my stand and my attempt to try and influence thought for the better.

We all know exaggeration is a lazy way to get a point across, and I'm sure as readers of this estimable blog you all have the intelligence to be impervious to such cheap tricks, but this blog has been scientifically proven to make your life awesome, so you should read a thousand posts. Go on. It'll be good for you.

If every word in this post was worth a penny, it'd be worth £8.09 [£8.12, including title]. Speaking of pennies, if you have any spare that you'd like to give to charity, you can do by clicking on this link: https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/Martin-Palmer5

Funny Story

Tonight I watched England play Slovenia in a pub. I was in the pub, the players were on a pitch in Ljubljana... Anyway, I know what you're thinking, 'With no limiting effects on your concentration and memory, you must really have enjoyed that game tonight.' Well you're wrong. So horrendously wrong...

Watching the England men's team crawl to a draw tonight was like living through a hangover induced by consuming a Trump-sized [and shaped] vessel of cheap lager. If anything, it has done more damage to my well-being than any chemicals could. My non-dampened senses only served to make me perceive the horror of a game where all our best periods of play were assisting the opposition attack even more keenly.

I'm not saying that Gareth Southgate's England are as woeful as Theresa May's England, far from it. All I'm saying is that they become less and less inspiring to me, and it's becoming an effort to watch them. On paper they're great individuals, with who knows how much potential, but then it seems they lack a plan, basic errors abound [tonight it seemed all the members of the team were trying to win a game of football chicken with Joe Hart] and I can't see us beating anyone. I'm quite miserable now, but at least come November when I'm back drinking [and when Scotland beat us] I'll be miserable and drunk.

Oh come on, would you really deny me pain relief while I sit through this stuff? That would be cruel.

If you're waiting for the punchline to this 'funny story', it is this: if I'd had my drinks tonight, I wouldn't be in any shape to write such a long and lifeless post, and you wouldn't have had to have read it. So is beer really all that bad?

I Like Beer

Oh my god I want a beer...

I've been thinking about writing a post over at the other blog I write for, All Hail the Ale, but worried it would be too much torture reliving the experience of a lovely drink when I'm not able to consume any. Since then, I've been thinking about drinking quite a lot.

I was out shopping in the centre of Morecambe today and visited a couple of discount shops. When it comes to libatables, they always have a new and eclectic mix of stock, presumably because they buy in what's cheap at the time, which will obviously change quite a bit. I just couldn't prepare myself for for what I was looking at. Row upon row of regional ales, international lagers, wines and sparklings, even some mini-liqueurs that looked interesting. All cheap too. I definitely recommend, for those of you who are comfortable with your drinking, Home Bargains and B&M Bargains. It's a go-to treasure trove whether you're looking for something familiar or want to give something new a try. Put it this way; it was tense as I walked down the aisle, two of my minds battling it out, one whispering "Pick up the bottle," and the other shouting "Don't let me down!"

The voice of reason [that is to say, the pro-sober voice!] won out, and I neither bought nor consumed any booze. But it stuck with me. All weekend I've been in some new pubs [due to a visiting Huddersfield and Manchester], and some of the selections have been astounding, notably Anarchy Brew Co beers on tap, and a load of more local ones I'd not seen before. All so close, yet so far...

I've been on the Beck's Blue [in fact, if you're looking for a non-alcoholic beer in this country, it seems you have beaten lottery-like odds if you come across anything other than Beck's Blue. But I digress...]. It sort of satisfies my palate's pleasure-hunt for hops, which is what I thought I was missing, but it doesn't hit the spot fully at all. It makes me wonder, in fact, whether there's something deeper in my love of the taste of beer. Maybe the alcohol is a big part of it?

Nah, that's too much of a stretch. It's impossible to say what it'd be like if other beers were non-alcoholic, because I just don't see them. I've seen three non-alcoholic beers for sale in this country - Beck's, Erdinger and Warsteiner. I've only tried one, because I've only found one while I've not been drinking. They're all lighter, lagery type beers, nowhere near the selection at all that there is in the 'full fat' versions. I know why, of course: there won't be the demand. It's the same at the Wineyard. About one person every six months will ask if you have any alcohol-free drinks. So I'm not complaining about the availability, I'm just saying that it's practically impossible to be satisfied in the way that I was.

But it's not my right be satisfied. Suffering comes from expecting such things.

Just promise me one thing. If you're having a beer tonight, please enjoy it...

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New Sensations

Other brands are available. But they're not as good...

Here marks the beginning of a new series for Blogtastic: the Exciting New Drinks [END] series. In this series of posts, I will share with you some of the exciting new drinks [clue's in the name] I encounter on my Sober journey. Calm down now, don't get over-excited. Oh okay, get over-excited, because I'm kicking it off with a double header!

On the left was the J2O Spritz what I tried, apple and watermelon and flavour, and, on the right, a spiced tomato juice. As you can see in the picture, I didn't mix them. The former was a nice change from the overly-sugary regular J20s and cokes, had a pleasant flavour, and the latter was a nice change from drinks that don't involve tomatoes. Actually, after drinking the tomato one I felt very weird and had an out-of-body experience.

I won't tell you how I felt after the next five bottles...

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Don't Make Me Laugh

Linky link to givey givey pagey page: https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/Martin-Palmer5

I've just been reading this article on eight things that are supposed to happen when you give up drinking.
Since it's day eight, I figured I really should be feeling every single benefit there is, right? Wrong. What I write next will blow your mind.

1. You'll sleep more soundly: Absolutely not! This has been one of the worst weeks of sleep in my whole life. Decrease in Alpha waves in the brain leading to less activity before bed? More like an increase in arsey waves in the brain leading to more activity before bed!

2. You'll consume less at dinner: No! It wasn't booze that made me a pig, that's just who I am. Still eating as if I'm trying to fill a hole.

3. You may also feel new sugar cravings: Finally, something this article got right! Aaand it turns out to be bad for you. Sugar is bad, man, that's why Coca Cola puts it in its drinks, 'cause it's evil, yeah?


4. Pounds will start to fall off: What, outta my wallet? 'Cause soft drinks are expensive in pubs! But no, in all seriousness, I've not started to lose any weight. What kind of a world do we live in where a week's abstinence from alcohol, an increase in eating and absolutely no change in activity doesn't make you slimmer?

5. Hello, clear complexion: Nein nein nein nein nein nein! Although, let's be real, I suffered from really bad acne as a child, so maybe this isn't a fair point.

6. You'll have more money: Oh, so the lack of drinking has cured my poetry-buying addiction has it? My need to top up my Stagecoach Smart Card every week? The various lawsuits I'm involved with and legal fees incurred [for never-you-mind what!]? Don't make me laugh, I'm practically a pauper!

7. Envy will overcome you when you're around others who are drinking: Oh don't be so soft. This just isn't true. I think it's nice that people are enjoying themselves, just like I used to. I think it's great, honestly. And I don't miss the stumbling about, the crying down a phone - standing on broken high-heels - to friends who've left you alone in a club. I respect other people's choice to have fun. Though if the opportunity arose to... No! No. It's fine, really.

8. Your risk of cancer falls, though your heart disease risk may creep up: Hooray, less risk of cancer! Job done, no worries, successssss!

By the way, next year I think I'll raise some money for the British Heart Foundation, the Stroke Association, and Diabetes UK...

There we go, all those myths debunked, and all before tea time. No need to thank me, I'm just being an awesome person.

Peace out.

Great Stuff

A non-alcoholic cheers :)

The link's not worn out just yet. You can still click it and give :) https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/Martin-Palmer5

I've just found out that we've gone over the halfway point toward my £500 target. That really is great stuff, and I just want to say thanks again to those that have donated, and, perhaps rather cheekily, urge those of you who are willing and able to donate not to forget :) £250 was my original target. JustGiving automatically set it to some random number like £798 - don't ask me why it wasn't a round number - and at the time I thought, 'I'll never get near that. I'll go for something a little more realistic.'

As you will know if you've managed to keep up with my many updates, I nearly hit £250 early on, hence my decision to up the amount. I know the rate of donations can't keep going as it did, but it's a good feeling to get over the half way point so early on. I think my next stop will be family and friends that I know will be interested in what I'm doing, and hopefully able to spare some money themselves [so watch out]. It really is great stuff, though. For me, £250 is over a week's wage, so it's genuinely humbling that so much has been raised at all, let alone with such startling rapidity. For this, I say thanks again.

I suppose this is all I want to say about the amount raised until I get [with blessings] nearer to £500. Who knows, I may even have to make the threshold even higher. Great stuff, great stuff. I'm so happy that there's so much positive energy out there and that so many of you are with me, and by extension mum, my family, our friends. We're all here, together, doing well, and it's great.