Don't Make Me Laugh

Linky link to givey givey pagey page: https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/Martin-Palmer5

I've just been reading this article on eight things that are supposed to happen when you give up drinking.
Since it's day eight, I figured I really should be feeling every single benefit there is, right? Wrong. What I write next will blow your mind.

1. You'll sleep more soundly: Absolutely not! This has been one of the worst weeks of sleep in my whole life. Decrease in Alpha waves in the brain leading to less activity before bed? More like an increase in arsey waves in the brain leading to more activity before bed!

2. You'll consume less at dinner: No! It wasn't booze that made me a pig, that's just who I am. Still eating as if I'm trying to fill a hole.

3. You may also feel new sugar cravings: Finally, something this article got right! Aaand it turns out to be bad for you. Sugar is bad, man, that's why Coca Cola puts it in its drinks, 'cause it's evil, yeah?


4. Pounds will start to fall off: What, outta my wallet? 'Cause soft drinks are expensive in pubs! But no, in all seriousness, I've not started to lose any weight. What kind of a world do we live in where a week's abstinence from alcohol, an increase in eating and absolutely no change in activity doesn't make you slimmer?

5. Hello, clear complexion: Nein nein nein nein nein nein! Although, let's be real, I suffered from really bad acne as a child, so maybe this isn't a fair point.

6. You'll have more money: Oh, so the lack of drinking has cured my poetry-buying addiction has it? My need to top up my Stagecoach Smart Card every week? The various lawsuits I'm involved with and legal fees incurred [for never-you-mind what!]? Don't make me laugh, I'm practically a pauper!

7. Envy will overcome you when you're around others who are drinking: Oh don't be so soft. This just isn't true. I think it's nice that people are enjoying themselves, just like I used to. I think it's great, honestly. And I don't miss the stumbling about, the crying down a phone - standing on broken high-heels - to friends who've left you alone in a club. I respect other people's choice to have fun. Though if the opportunity arose to... No! No. It's fine, really.

8. Your risk of cancer falls, though your heart disease risk may creep up: Hooray, less risk of cancer! Job done, no worries, successssss!

By the way, next year I think I'll raise some money for the British Heart Foundation, the Stroke Association, and Diabetes UK...

There we go, all those myths debunked, and all before tea time. No need to thank me, I'm just being an awesome person.

Peace out.